Carson, CA - Trent Warren, a self-described 'soccer nut' found himself curled up in a fetal position on the floor of his companies bathroom as he tried to work through a severe state of cognitive dissonance. The mental fracture occurred after he learned that the US Open Cup game was scheduled to be broadcast on the West Coast at 4:00pm but he would be unable to leave work until 5:00pm.
"I have no idea what to do right now," Warren stated as he wiped chunks of vomit away from his chin, "I have to watch this game even though I'm not a Philly or Kansas City fan but there's no way I can get off work early to do it."
Over the past year Warren has been working to promote the Open Cup games to his co-workers as the best sports tournament in America. He tells us that he was looking forward to being able to regale the highlights of the game to the blank stares and unfocused eyes of his co-workers in an attempt to enlighten them about American football.
"The problem is that I'm already planning on taking a long lunch tomorrow to watch my beloved Reds from Liverpool play Sion at 12:05 in the Europa League match. It's the tournament that I told everyone in the office is the greatest tournament in Europe. I was now facing a situation where I could either tell everyone about the Open Cup or the Europa League game and I couldn’t do both because if I cut work twice in a row I'd get fired for sure. My boss still hasn't cooled off after he found out I hid out in an old conference room to watch world cup games all day."
Warren recalled the exact moment when he felt the synapses in his brain begin to misfire and eventually snap, leaving him in a state where he was no longer able to control his bladder or make an informed decision. "It happened when I was looking around on Twitter. I had already started to lean a bit towards supporting Liverpool over the two MLS teams, although they were at the final game and the Eurpoa League had just star-"
He paused mid-sentence to roll his eyes up back into his skull and allow a foamy froth to form around his lips. After evacuating his bowels he continued.
"-ted, but I have to stand by my Reds. Well I then read a tweet that said ‘All of you who have screamed for Open Cup TV coverage, this is your shot. Prove that the demand exists.’ I love all soccer so much I just couldn’t make a decision. It was at that point I heard a scratching or snapping sound in my skull and a warm tingling sensation down my left arm and right leg. I believe I also experienced my first black out.”
Warren was arrested and placed into the mental health ward of La Casa Psychiatric Health Facility and is awaiting trial for multiple criminal charges. "It’s really better this way. There’s no soccer on the TV here but I will be able to get the scores from the newspaper. At least that way I can get all the information I need at one time.”
The Nutmeg News will provide updates once Warren realizes Europa League scores aren’t covered by the local newspaper.