Who IS This Coach Landon Donovan? And How Long HAS He Been Involved With Soccer?!

As part of our investigative journalism series, we dispatched writer Rory Kilmartin to find out WHO this Landon Donovan is that is raising such a fuss in San Diego and why he won’t just turn a blind eye to racism and homophobia.

In a world of pretenders and amateur experts…… Where did this so-called coach Landon Donovan come from and how long HAS he been involved with soccer?

One of these men is Landon Donovan. No one could answer which of the two he actually is, though.

One of these men is Landon Donovan. No one could answer which of the two he actually is, though.

Online, unsourced reports indicate that this is Mr. Donovan’s first coaching assignment. Prior to this, there is no mention of his coaching credentials. Exactly what does this say about the United States when an unknown, unsung and totally anonymous player gets such a high profile position of a head coach of a team in the UNITED Soccer League.

Such positions are typically given to people who played before such as former college player Rick Schantz who had three solid years of playing under his belt and who then waited 15 years, as is required, before appointing himself to the position of head coach for FC Tucson after founding the team.

How will this country ever become a true soccer nation if the reigns of one of the most prestigious coaching positions in the general San Diego area are given to a virtual nobody with no real world soccer experience.

It boggles the mind and it dulls the senses. After showing his true hand with regards to rejecting racism and homophobia even at the expense of himself and his own ego, is this Landon Donovan even AMERICAN? These and other questions will be answered in our follow up piece.

“Landon Donovna: The Things We Learned On Wikipedia”

Past Rick Schantz Announces Condemnation Of Present Rick Schantz As Future Rick Schantz Attempts To Stop Them Both

Phoenix, AZ - Three different iterations of current Phoenix Rising head coach Rick Schantz appeared at the Rising front offices as their corporeal forms were torn from the annals of time to give warning and condemnation on the present head coach’s handling of one of his players using a homophobic slur.

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Past Rick Schantz was reportedly apoplectic as he stated, “For me as a coach, in my mind, with my players, an immediate reaction would have been more warranted,” Schantz said. “If that ever happened to us, I would expect our players to support and defend each other.”

Past Schantz offered support for the San Diego Loyal and Landon Donovan for their courageous step as he blasted himself in the future for being a coward in exactly the moment he was talking about.

Future Schantz offered a warning to both Present Schantz and Past Schantz as he stated, “You dumb idiots. You don’t realize what you’ve done. There’s no coming back from this. My god, I must end all of this.”

Scientists state that Future Schantz is actually proof that Past Schantz does nothing and just continues upon his way until he tries to excuse homophobia on the soccer field.

Sources indicate that Future Schantz and Past Schantz engaged in an attempted fight but as soon as Future Schantz touched Past Schantz they both exploded into nothingness as they couldn’t occupy the same space and time.

Left alone at the Phoenix front office was Present Schantz who is, according to all sources, rightfully screwed.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as online anonymous titter accounts try to excuse the behavior of of Rick Schantz,