Atlanta United Fans Shocked As They Are Praised For Overwhelming The Vote

Atlanta, Georgia - Atlanta United fans were reportedly shocked at the widespread praise for them and the state of Georgia as MLS fans across the league reversed course and lauded them for overwhelming the vote.

Count every vote.

“Oh, so the other times we won goal of the week ya’ll were mad,” stated Atlanta United fan Yancey Williams. “BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN its a presidential race and suddenly everyone is super happy about all of us hitting up the ballot box.”

Fans from Portland to Chicago to New England stated, “We knew that they had it in them. Thank goodness for all the times they voted in all the online polls as practice. Just give them goal of the week for the rest of 2020.”

Voters across George turned out in huge numbers as the Presidential race teetered back and forth between the two candidates. However, it appears that due to their expertise in stuffing the ballot box, that voters turned out to repudiate President Trump and his clownshoes, racist, carnival of capricious stupidity.

“I said it once and I said it again,” stated Atlanta United voter Barbara Hemmings. “I voted for Brooks Lennon and I voted for Joe Biden. If Brooks Lennon can win in this country, so can Joe.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans ready to blame Atlanta United fans for winning Goal Of The Week in 2021.

US Soccer Federation Debates Adding "Always Cheated, Never Defeated" To Youth Team Curriculum

CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) is convening a group debate to add, “always cheated, never defeated,” to their youth team curriculum as they attempt to stay abreast of national political maneuvering and trends.

“HE STEPPED OFF THE LINE,”

Yes, excellent, exactly, it’s the GOALKEEPERS fault your shot was saved.

“There’s been a huge influx of Always Cheated, Never Defeated advocates in our federation,” stated one insider with the USSF. “And they believe that it is the God given right of Americans to win every trophy possible in every sport possible. They also believe that the inability of Americans to win any trophy is due to a global conspiracy or some massive cheating effort rather than actually losing.”

According to documents released by hackers that were stolen from the USSF database, the Federation acknowledges that a more GOP approach towards tactics would allow it to claim that it hasn’t lost a single game in over 100 years.

“While it may seem petty, there are many within the USSF that believe such a historic winning streak as being undefeated for 100 years would attract more attention nationally,” stated our insider. “While it may seem absurd to believe, it’s no more absurd than believing in a molestation ring under a pizza store, or an invisible multifaceted internet legend dispensing half truths via coded memes.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Always Cheated, Never Defeated advocates claim that there is a conspiracy to prevent an accurate vote on the matter.

Toronto FC Claims Victory In The Supporters Shield And MLS Cup

TORONTO - Major League Soccer (MLS) side Toronto FC claimed victory in the race for the Supporters Shield with one game to go as they tweeted, “We have claimed, for trophy purposes, the Supporters Shield. Additionally, we hereby claim MLS Cup 2020.”

League sources indicate that, in fact, it does not matter if you claim something before you win it however that didn’t stop the Canadian side from claiming all the remaining 2020 trophies available.

“MLS Will not allow fans to view the games. As such, we find it important to indicate that we are claiming that this is a rigged competition and we are the winners,” stated Toronto FC individuals.

Sports writers were reportedly flummoxed by the situation as they indicated that they were pretty certain that you can’t just claim you are the winner. However writers with the Toronto Sun indicated that Toronto FC were beset by, “Woke, liberal, American elitists that are trying to steal the season from our hard working Canadians.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Toronto FC still end up playing the remaining games anyway.

FC Cincinnati Concede In Ohio, Announce 4 Year Campaign For A Victory In 2024

Cincinnati, OH - Following the conclusion of voting and the MLS season, FC Cincinnati called to concede their race in Ohio and announced a new 4 year campaign with a hope of grabbing a victory during the 2024 general election.

“We are disappointed with the way that the results happened,” stated general manager Gerard Nijkamp. “However we believe that our fans expected too much from us this season. It will take 2 or 3 or 4 more years before we are ready to win.”

Fans were reportedly surprised by this news as they expected their team to do much better this time around, but Nijkamp stated that this was too much.

“Obviously we would like to do better, but the voters have spoken. We must concede in Ohio and we will prepare for 2024.”

Fan David Williams stated his frustration as he exclaimed, “Why can’t we prepare and get ready for 2021, first. They expect us to just sit around and watch this for the next three years before we can claim victory again?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some fans claim that FC Cincinnati tried to move too much to the left, some fans claimed they didn’t move far enough left and other fans say that FC Cincinnati has just simply lost touch with the hard working blue collar mentality.

Vipassana Meditation Retreat Announces That All Spots In The January "Retreat From Society" Have Been Booked By Soccer Brand Social Media Managers

Burlington, VT - Vipassana meditation retreat Flowering Lotus today announced that all spots in the January one month retreat from society program have been completely booked by soccer brand social media managers.

“We welcome those who wish to see things as they really are,” stated practitioner James Howard. “We know that many are strung out by the ever present dangers of Social Media and it appears that the only way they can return to some kind of normal is a retreat into themselves to discover Vipassanā. We require our practitioners during this retreat to completely cut themselves off from contact to the outside world. They will remain free from calls, emails, social media, or necessity. They will focus only the practice. We sold out immediately when they found this out.”

Sources indicate that the entire January retreat is booked by social media managers from MLS, NWSL, and USL teams as they attempted to find some way to spend a month where they aren’t slowly dying inside from logging on every single day.

“I need some time where I don’t see the drunken angry ranting of people after we lose a game,” stated one anonymous manager. “Vipassana promises self-transformation through self-observation. I’m a bit terrified of what I’m going to see.”

“I’ve been medicating by silencing my notifications in the evening and crying as I drink some wine or whisky,” stated another manager. “But I should say that the days where it’s fun are really fun. It’s just unfortunate that there’s 364 days in the year instead of that one day.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the February retreat is filled with Sports Writers.

Single Issue Chicago Fire Voter Angry There's No State Vote About Logo

CHICAGO - Chicago Fire voter Steven Gotschalk reportedly left the voting booth full of anger after finding out that there is no state vote on the ballot about the Chicago Fire’s logo.

“Ok the Fair Tax who cares,” stated Gotschalk to our reporters. “Pritzker has yet to step in about the atrocity that is the Fire logo. That’s all I care about right now and I have no power to change it.”

Gotschalk reportedly took his anger out on the local pollsters as he responded, “OK, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING LOGO,” to someone who asked him if he voted today.

"I looked in the pamphlets and I looked online. I'm not about to vote for ANY president who can't articulate why the current logo is an absolute abomination and should be replaced with the old logo and the designers fired into the suns. I'm a single issue voter, on that. If Trump wants my vote then tell him to sign an executive order to bring back the logo.”

Gotschlak took his anger out on his Twitter account @BringBackTheLogo as he claimed, “No President has mentioned anything about this, and that’s the most important issue right now. Every party is obviously corrupt and being payed off by Nelson Rodriguez. BOTH SIDES are corrupt. BOTH SIDES.”

Nutmeg News will have more as Gotschalk is planning on organizing a national protest about the logo with 2 confirmed attendees so far.

Soccer Fan Disappointed At The Lack Of Gegenpress At The Polls

Dallas, TX - Soccer fan Philip T. Williams admitted that he was disappointed at the lack of Gegenpress at the polls as he extolled the ability to win the vote closer to the goal if everyone is committed to pressing the undecided voters.

Williams reportedly cast his vote in a disappointed manner as he realized that he would not have to evade or counterpress hordes of people gathered to vote in the national election.

“I was planning on forcing a turnover by claiming that I was a communist ANTIFA infiltrator sent to kidnap babies from pollsters,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “Unfortunately the only person at my voting location was an 85 year old man wearing a Dukakis straw hat. It was not what I was expecting.”

Friends say that Williams donned his Adidas shoes, jeans and bucket hat paired with a worn Jawbreaker t-shirt that subtly pointed a the irony of life and consumerism as he went to his designated voting location to perform his civic duty for the first time in his 27 years.

“I was really hoping that we’d see a lot more tactics,” stated Williams. “I was planning on Gegenpress, or perhaps transitioning to a more Post-Pep style of tiki-taka where I try to pass the blame around for the country amongst everyone there. I was really excited but in the end I just did my duty and left.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams turns down the difficulty on his Football Manager save and tucks into some liquor to pass the time.