MLS Releases 2020 Empty Seats Code Of Conduct For Upcoming Tournament

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) Commissioner Don Garber announced that the league is proactively making certain that the empty seats at the ESPN Wide World Of Sports location will be on their best behavior for July's upcoming tournament return as the league released the 2020 Empty Seats Code Of Conduct.

“You’re not singing over there! You’re not singing over there!”

“Can you hear the stadium seats ohhh ohhh!”

"Obviously the safety of our players is paramount. We need to make sure empty seats are creating a safe atmosphere for the staff and each other at these games,” stated Garber to The Nutmeg News. “The world will be watching us and we need to make sure that empty seats aren’t showing a side of this league that will decrease our corporate investments.”

The code of conduct includes a clarification on the conduct, signage and language that is not permitted at league events during the upcoming tournament, including:

• Displaying signs, symbols, images referencing the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney in the cavernous doomsday bunker underneath Tomorrowland.

• Displaying signs, symbols, images referencing “Song Of The South”.

• Displaying signs, symbols, images referencing the crows from Dumbo.

• Any mention of the caricatures of native Americans in Peter Pan.

• Displaying signs, symbols, images disparaging ESPN+.

As well, the league made an addendum to the prohibited items list which now reads:

• Any bags larger than the approved 14” x 14” x 6”

• Weapons of any kind including, but not limited to, knives, pepper spray, stun guns, concealed weapons and firearms

• Fireworks of any kind including, but not limited to, flares, smoke bombs, incendiary devices and pyrotechnics

• Illegal drugs or harmful chemicals

• Any missile or object that can be used as a projectile

• Aerosol cans or pressurized containers

• Professional camera equipment, including but not limited to, tripods, battery packs, large commercial video cameras

• Noisemakers, including, but not limited to, whistles and horns

• Laser pointers

• Remote controlled aircraft or unmanned aircraft systems (drones)

• Hover-boards

• Selfie sticks

• Inflated soccer balls

• Beach balls or other inflatable items

• Animals (excluding certified service animals with proper documentation)

• Any other items deemed to be inappropriate and/or dangerous by the Venue Security Representative

• Fans of any team

MLS officials worked together with themselves to develop portions of the Fan Code of Conduct without feedback from other organizations.

"We haven’t received any negative feedback from the chairs and empty spaces where fans typically would congregate so we figure this is the best way to go about this situation.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer accuses the empty seats of failing to show up for the OPS call in advance of the tournament.

MLS Announces New FastPass+ Option For Disney World Tournament

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced a new FastPass+ option for their upcoming Disney World Tournament as they detailed their bold rule changes.

For some players, being this close to goal may actually be a problem.

“The FastPass+ option,” stated the league wide memo, “will allow players who have purchased the option an opportunity to ‘skip-the-offside-line’ on three goal attempts during one game. Unlike at Disneyland, a player can grab these skip-the-offside-line entries well in advance of their game. Players have the option of booking 60 days before the first game provided they are quarantined in an official Disney-operated hotel.”

According to sources, the FastPass+ option will be regulated by an official Disney World app that can be accessed in advance.

“Players should book their FastPass+ option as early as possible to reserve the time-slot that works for their goal attempt,” stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer. “However, there will be the possibility of in-game fast-pass reservations after each of the players use or decline their allotted 3 FastPass.”

Major League Soccer officials indicate that players on the field will be wearing branded team Magic Bands that will allow them to independently claim an additional FastPass+ from a Disney World FastPass+ kiosk.

“Players will be required to run off the field to make this selection so they will need to be tactical about who goes off the field and which reservation they get. FastPass+ reservations will be honored if made before the game is over or until all the slots are used up. Any FastPass+ reservations held over into stoppage time will be appended to the end of the game in a shootout fashion where an animatronic Abraham Lincoln will attempt to score a goal on an unpaid Disney Cast Member dressed as Uncle Remus.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS allows fans the ability to watch the games for free if they pay for a $399 tournament subscription.

Timbers Army Empower New Committee To Form A Committee To Analyze Work Of The Committee On Diversity

Portland, OR - Looking to resolve the problem of a lack of respect shown to marginalized members within their ranks, the 107ist and the Timbers Army announced that they will empower a new committee to form a committee to analyze the work on the committee on diversity.

“We need to really understand the black experience, anyone know anyone? Wait… Heather… didn’t you write your thesis on the lyrical influence of the albums of Kanye West when you attended Reed?”

“After consulting with our consulting committee, we decided to form a committee to help form a committee to analyze the work of the committee on diversity. Our agreeance committee has agreed to this notion,” stated the announcement. “We’ve worked our way through Roberts Rules of Order which state that, ‘A Committee is a body of one or more persons appointed or elected by an assembly or society to consider, or investigate, or take action in regard to, certain matters or subjects, or to do all of these things,’ and we feel that our committee to form a committee to analyze the works of the committee on diversity falls under that purview. We read some post highlighting these issues and our hearts broke. That's not the 107ist and Timbers Army way. We immediately knew we had to form a committee on this but also another committee to make sure we keep that committee accountable. In order to form that committee we needed to gather together another committee to ensure that the correct members are appointed to the first committee to keep the committee accountable.”

The message to the membership continued to state, “Yes, all of our committee committee committee members are white, but the diversity committee that we are trying to form will help make that change as we reach out to the committee committee members to help detail who we need to add to make the committee on diversity a diversified committee. We promise to have a thorough report available when the committee delivers their report on the work of the committee investigating the committee in approximate 12 to 18 months. In the meantime, you will definitely see T.I.F.O showing that we are changing. Our T.I.F.O committee will make sure of that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the committee chairman on diversity claims that there is no limit to the number of times a member may speak, and unless the committee is very large, it is not necessary for any one to rise and address the chair before making a motion or speaking, nor does the chairman rise to put the question, nor does he leave the chair to speak or make motions, nor are motions seconded. 

Supporters Group Veteran Can't Believe Lack Of Passion At Protest

Atlanta, GA - Brogan Monroe, a 22 year old aspiring YouTube star and Atlanta United supporters group member, stated he couldn't believe the difference in passion over the last few marches as he blamed new people in the scene for the alleged dip in intensity.

“I watched the Malcolm X movie 2 times this week to get ready,” stated Monroe to The Nutmeg News. “It seemed like nobody else put in the same thought to getting ready for these things. If you can’t show passion for 90 minutes, you don’t belong here. Protest somewhere else.”

Monroe was seen at the most recent march yelling instructions at people about how to keep up flags and instructing them in chants as he tried to levy his supporters group experience into something tangible.

“STOP DOING THE WAVE, YOU AMATEURS,” screamed Monroe at a group of protesters putting their hands up. “I didn’t listen to Chapo Trap House talk about the I Have A Dream speech while doing my core workout just to watch all of you sit on your hands,” screamed Monroe to a group of protesters with zip tied hands being arrested by the police.

Monroe noted how certain people with megaphones brought down the atmosphere as he stated, "some of the people were talking about their lives instead of starting the 2 minute Black Lives Matter chant to the tune of 'Going Underground’ I wrote. You could just tell it was taking away from the energy"

"You know it’s frustrating,” stated Monroe. “I started a 'Ciao Bella' chant and nobody joined in. These new protesters just aren't keeping up. As someone who's been watching protests since 2010 in Europe, the passions just not the same here. It’s really hard to replicate here.”

The Nutmeg News will hopefully have more as Monroe is currently calling an urgent board meeting on this issue.

Woman Not Certain If Weeping Man Was Pepper Sprayed, Lost A Relative To COVID-19, Or Found Out MLS Is Losing A Billion Dollars

WASHINGTON - Andrea Miller admitted she wasn’t entirely certain if the man that boarded the Metro at the Fort Totten stop was weeping because he was pepper sprayed, lost a relative to COVID-19 or just found out that MLS may lose a billion dollars this year.

“Well, he was wearing a D.C. United kit so maybe he is just sad that all these billionaires have a chance to be slightly less wealthy,” stated Miller to The Nutmeg News.

In remarks earlier today, Commissioner Garber indicated that the league may lose a billion dollars this season due to the pandemic.

“He was staring at his phone, but he had red eyes,” indicated Miller. “So maybe he was reading about the loss. Of course it’s entirely possible that he lost a loved one to this global pandemic. Or maybe he was out protesting against police brutality and the police pepper sprayed him. Maybe they even tear gassed him. I don’t know. I do know that these days it’s hard to tell which is the bigger tragedy between the global pandemic, the rampant and predictable police brutality and the inability of MLS to take in money from ticket sales.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Miller attends a mandatory zoom meeting about layoffs while thinking about poor Robert Kraft losing money.

Chicago Fire Celebrates Diversity And Inclusion With European Heritage Night

Chicago, IL - The Chicago Fire have proudly announced that they are going to be changing their tune going forward and will be celebrating diversity and inclusion in the soccer community by putting a spotlight on all the different nationalities of Europe in the stands and on the field.

“You don't really hear about these demographics in the soccer world like Polish people or British people,” Club President Nelson Rodriguez said,” we took a look in our stands and we wanted everyone to feel like they are represented equally. Especially Finland. Suomi my brothers.”

The night will include food from every European nation, constant Euro-pop during halftime, the national anthems of every country in Europe before the game, and players on the field will only be able to speak in their native tongues. He added that players with no roots in Europe will receive a discounted version of Rosetta Stone to learn their favorite language before the night.

“But only European languages.” Rodriguez was sure to add when describing the night, “We don’t want any Europeans feeling left out of their special night.”

He also went on to say that he will kindly be asking the supporters section to sing in Italian for the night to make fans feel welcome.

“We will be carefully watching them and how they act during all of this so they don’t take attention away from this very special night for our fans,” he said.

“We as a club need to really connect with who is cheering for us, and make that extra effort to bring in people from all parts of Europe and make them feel welcome. That is what diversity is all about.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire continue their bid for a JD Power Award in Diversity and Inclusion.

President Trump Considers Deploying The 101st Airborne Against The Timbers Army

WASHINGTON - Emerging from the Presidential bunker below the White House, President Donald Trump stated that he was pushing for the deployment of the 101st Airborne division against the Timbers Army.

“Tom Cotton RIGHT,” stated the President on Twitter. “Badly gang ANTIFA liberal extreme-leftists Timbers Army must be stopped! LAW AND ORDER! CHINA! NOVEMBER 3RD. FAKE NEWS! STRENGTH! REVOKE 230!”

Advisors for the President of the United States indicate that President Trump believes that the Timbers Army is an actual army occupying Portland, Oregon.

“He asked how many tanks they have and if they have the bomb,” stated one insider. “Some of his most loyal advisers indicate that they want to use the insurrection act to put down the occupying force, and he won’t hear any different about the fact that they are a soccer supporters group.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as President Trump continues to Tweet his way through this crisis.

Major League Soccer Looks To Seize Headlines From Protests Over Racist Police Brutality On Black Americans And A Global Pandemic By Locking Out Soccer Players

NEW YORK - Sources within Major League Soccer (MLS) indicate that the group of Billionaires that own franchise rights for teams within the league are looking to seize headlines from the protests over racist Police brutality on Black Americans and a global pandemic as they spent the weekend debating locking out their employees

“The MLS Players Union concessions were deemed by the league as not being good enough,” stated one anonymous source. “The league sees this potential lockout as a way to grasp the headlines from the horrifying scenes of the Police running over people in the street, arresting journalists, shooting people on their porch and marching lock step in tactical gear through terrified neighborhoods.”

“They are out for blood and stupidity,” stated one league source. “These billionaires have had it up to HERE with the players. They want as many concessions as they can get their hands upon in hopes that all the teams can turn a profit this year even if they don’t play any games.”

League historians indicate that often times things will seem in the worst possible way before collective bargaining agreements and negotiations are completed.

“We can all remember that most of these deals come down to the wire,” stated Professor Dave Hawkins of the CBA Institute. “However, it takes some cynical power grabs to try to attempt to lock out your employees during the middle of a global pandemic and an international movement against racism and police brutality.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league pushes the players to take even more concessions and then indicates that they will blame them as trying to sabotage the league if they don’t accept.