JERUSALEM - Israeli archeologists on Tuesday announced the discovery of dozens of Dead Sea Scroll fragments bearing a rant about Promotion/Relegation and the grievances of a specific writer against the soccer community during a Jewish revolt against Rome nearly 1,900 years ago.
The fragments of parchment bear lines of Greek text containing a multitude of platitudes about the game as well as specific targeted statements against enemies of the writer.
“And from Ninevah, the sons of Keturah thought that every goal was a golazo but tap in goals aren’t a golazo. Behold the secondary wife of Abraham who gave 110% to the game, on this night, the night which she engendered, or conceived, her sons which were Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian (who once took a shit on the communal walk to the away game in Ninevah) , Ishbak (who never helped during gameday), and Shuah (who never contributed with painting T.I.F.O). And the sons of Jokshan begat a really terrible song to the tune of 1 nation army and verily he is a dick for begatting such an atrocity upon our ears,” read one of the translated texts. “And 1 Nation Army begat We Love Ya which begat I Believe which begat Babylon ain’t nothing to fuck with and so the Lord was tired and said … wow… all these songs are shit… have you ever tried Dale Cavese.”
Portions of the new Dead Sea Scroll fragments contain a rant about Promotion and Relegation that details the writers anger towards the Roman establishment for prohibiting the free movement of teams in the Galilee Premier League.
“The gift of Promotion/Relegation was poured out even on the Gentiles,” states one of the passages. “For they were hearing them speaking in tongues and extolling Promotion and Relegation Then Peter declared, ‘Can anyone withhold Promotion for Club de Foot Lower Galilee, who have received the three point deduction just as we have?”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this ancient historians detail a very explicit rant about, “fucking Mark and all he does is preach in the desert but when I call him to help move the drums he’s busy.”