NEW YORK - After spending Christmas morning reading a long form column on The Atlantic written by former Sports Illustrated columnist Austin Murphy about his new career with Amazon, blossoming soccer writer Brooklyn Anders-Hertzfeld applied to Amazon as a package delivery specialist in order to make it as a soccer writer.

“Now THIS is how I’m going to start my career in full as a writer,” stated Anders-Hertzfeld as he skimmed over the part in the story where Murphy detailed that he had to take a piss test. “I spent four years in school learning how to write only to watch the industry implode. I can’t wait to finally take my next step at becoming a published writer for The Atlantic, Sports Illustrated, The Washington Post and Pete’s Totally Radical Soccer Blog by delivering packages 12 hours a day.”

Friends state that Anders-Hertzfeld applied to nearly every website and newspaper out there and was instantaneously rejected for nearly all of them expect for the Des Moines Register which offered him a lucrative career covering High School sports with an emphasis on the local prep to pro pipeline and 4-H meetings.

“I’ve had a long career working for SB Nation so I feel like I’m overqualified for the position,” stated Anders-Hertzfeld. “I’m looking for something more hard hitting than generic local sports and it appears that Amazon is a pipeline to the front pages of The Atlantic. Plus, I get to be just like Bukowski… you know… working in the post office, being depressed, moodily smoking cigarette and talking about hot stew. I can’t wait.”

The Nutmeg New will have more on this as Anders-Hertzfeld fails his piss test and considers shitposting online instead.