TORONTO - "Back when men were men," stated bored journalist Kyer Maclethorpe as he penned a piece even he didn't really believe defending concussions as a function of the game of soccer that has by his own statement, "been watered down by a bunch of dickheads bent on making Canadian soccer less manly."
"There's not enough brain damage in the league anymore. Both of these players should be completely bloody and unable to remember their children's names" - Kyer Maclethorpe
"Look, I'm out of topics that don't pertain the the game that just happened, there are 6 days of content I have to fill before we get a new talking point and I need something that will work. And lets be honest, nothing sells papers and gets clicks on your website like a contrary opinion that evokes nostalgia of a by-gone era where everything was more simple and people were really tough while inflaming the passions of people from this current generation by insulting them and calling their generation entitled un-knowing rubbish. All you have to do is pick a controversial topic, take the opposite stance on it and then let the words fly," stated Mr. Maclethorpe.
Hanson Reynolds, the Toronto Times sports editor stated, "We told Kyer that he needed to produce clicks in order to keep his job. We don't really care what he writes as long as he gets some page clicks and we see some advertiser money."
Maclethorpe defended his position on support of concussions by stating, "You really don't even need to believe what you are writing, that's the best part. Just defend the living hell out of it and watch the readers roll on in. The more flamboyant the take and the more relevant to recent events, the better. Go after someone like Taylor Twellman or blame the fans enraged reaction on entitled millennials or stupid fans who appropriate soccer culture as faux-hooligans and you can get a job writing for papers. You might even get a position reporting on the game for ESPN. It's a shell game but one that we can all live with as our careers slowly become shuttered by the death of newspapers world wide."
The Nutmeg News will have more as Mr. Maclethorpe writes an article about how the game has been ruined by having referees at all and that players should play even if they have to amputate their own limbs on the field.