Indianapolis, IN - "I'm on level with Mourinho," stated Thomas Harwood, a 32 year old self admitted brilliant and innovative soccer tactician. "At least on level with tactics, but I'm better at motivating people."
Mr. Harwood admits that he remains stuck in his 7 to 5 accounting job despite his ability to correctly analyze soccer trends, positioning, tactics, and how to motivate million dollar players. However, Mr. Harwood exclaimed to our reporter, "The world must know my opinions and they must know them now!"
"I'm better than Pep, as well. I haven't relied on all the talent being in position. Also, most relevant, I'm better than you at understanding defensive shifts, tactics and soccer in a general sense.
"I know where the players need to be and I know how to motivate them to win," stated Mr. Harwood on his twitter account @ThomHarwoodCoachAccountant. "The problem with Major League Soccer and most teams in North America is that they haven't hired me as a coach, yet. Of course, I've spent the last 10 months trashing the league on my twitter account and talking about how tactically deficient and not soccer-savvy the players are, but they are that way primarily because I'm not a coach. Instead, I'm just sitting here entering numbers into spreadsheets, and utilizing eAudit and Caseware for a mid-level firm."
While Mr. Harwood does appear on soccer podcasts from time to time and writes an intermittent blog, he has never actually attempted to coach at any level except for 1 month at recreational soccer with his friends where half the team quit because he tried to make them tie a rope between the defenders in order to practice defensive order.
"I am the innovator. My words are gospel. When I speak about how players should move, play, think, these are all 100% true," exclaimed Harwood despite never holding any kind of coaching license, never having implemented any of my ideas in a game, and refusing to attend any games because the standard isn't high enough in this country to understand his ideas.
Mr. Harwood reported that he has decided to just take his frustrations out on his twitter account by sparring with nearly anyone who will say anything that disagrees with his tactical and world view until they realize that they are arguing with a dense brick wall and give up.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Harwood lashes out at the self-described, "monopoly and conspiracy of Major League Soccer that denies his genius the right to coach games."