Des Moines, IA - Local resident and Major League Soccer (MLS) aficionado Gerry Pulaski, was found unresponsive by friends and family after attempting to watch a Saturday marathon of MLS games. TNN was able to speak with his wife Carlotta on the situation and why Gerry is now in intensive care.

"Well, Gerry is a huge soccer fan and was looking forward to some great games, but they were all just so horrible. He watched one after the other after the other and slowly his ability to reason was lost. He started babbling about how it isn't all about the goals, but I knew that he was just rationalizing. He lost the ability to tell basic time and perform general math during the Colorado versus NYCFC match. Then during the Sporting Kansas City versus Portland Timbers match, he voided his bowels and started raving incoherently. I just thought it was from the heavy amount of beer that he consumed in order to make the games interesting, or perhaps a mixed reaction from all the Cialis in his system, but during the first part of the Los Angeles Houston he seemed better. Unfortunately he then fell apart during the last 60 minutes of the game when it became apparent that he was about to watch his fourth draw of the day" said Carlotta Pulaski

Reports of other fans running the New England Revolution v Montreal Impact, Colorado v NYCFC, Sporting KC v Timbers, LA v Houston gauntlet with grim results surfaced early on Monday as emergency rooms were flooded with bored soccer patients.

"It was awful, just awful. I blacked out around the 30th minute of Colorado versus NYCFC, and that is what saved me from having a dullness caused aneurysm" said NYCFC fan Donald Brixton.

"Somewhere in between the first and second half of SKC versus Portland, my husband found me shaking uncontrollably on the couch muttering 'Twellman was right, won't someone actually try to win and score an actual game winning goal' It was awful." said Houston Dynamo fan Larry Teshino. "I almost didn't recover in enough time to watch Houston play"

TNN will try to continue to cover this wave of mediocre play and horrible finishing, if we don't fall asleep while watching all the games because they were so effortlessly dull.