Stanford, CA - Theoretical US Soccer superstar Jordan Morris has reportedly challenged Don Garber to a Golden Contract fiddle contest for the right to actually control his career if he comes to Major League Soccer.
Even WE think this is harsh.
"Per previous established proviso's, Don must allow me a fiddle contest for the chance to win a Golden Contract," stated Morris through his representation. "This Golden Contract will give me eternal free agency and the ability to go wherever I want for how much money I want in Major League Soccer."
Reportedly Don Garber, "pulled the bow across the strings and it made an evil hiss.
And a band of US Soccer Federation members joined in and it sounded something like this."
Morris released a statement through his representations, afterward, that stated,
"Chicken's in the bread pan picking out dough.
Granny, does your dog bite? No, child, no. "
While no one actually understands the folksy wisdom of these words, apparently the words and the music had a dramatic effect on Don Garber who retreated immediately from said fiddle contest to offer Morris a contract.
The Nutmeg News will have more on Morris' career as he plays "Fire on the mountain, run boy run" before flaming out in Europe and returning to Major League Soccer a chastened player who deserves a multi-million dollar contract because he played in the second division of Austria on loan.