The Nutmeg News has uncovered documents that describe a story of corruption and deceit that came out of the 2015 Women’s World Cup. While we have not received official confirmation from the parties involved we felt we must get the story out because it increases our page hits from enormous to unbelievably massive.
The documents appear to show that Landon Donovan attempted to infiltrate the US Women’s National Soccer team by attempting a poorly attempted version of drag by wearing a wig and make up in order to continue his professional soccer career. Assuming the pseudonym Linda Vonndan, he disguised himself as a potential recruit for the USWNT in the hopes of remaining in the spotlight for just a few months more.
“It’s called Lady-bugging,” one source said on condition of anonymity, “It’s when you put on a wig and some makeup and start playing along-side the women hoping to not get caught. The hardest parts are keeping the wig attached during headers and not farting on the team bus. Those are the dead giveaways."
Our source stated that Landon showed up as Linda during the first practice and sneaked onto the training grounds in the hopes of impressing the coaches so that they would allow him to come on board with the team.
"It turns out that Landon just isn't as good as he once was," our source continued, "and he quickly realized that he was playing among women younger, faster, and in way, way better shape than him. He didn’t even make it ten minutes before he had his hands on his knees and was gasping for air. He left the training ground in tears and I'm unclear if he was crying like that to help sell his image as a woman in distress or not. Either way, Abby Wambach told him, 'quit your whining and get back to work or get the hell off the field, you wimp.' It was amazing.”
This attempt at infiltrating the USWNT comes just months after Donovan officially retired from professional men’s soccer in a full-blown hissy-fit for not getting called up to the US Men’s National Team.
Our anonymous source added, “This was just one more blow to his over-inflated and bruised ego. It’s over, Landon. You weren't good enough to go to the World Cup so you threw a tantrum and quit years before you probably had to. Well, it's done now, so just go coach some U12’s or open a bar or something. And don’t you even think about trying to try out for the Special Olympics World Cup.”
The Nutmeg News will continue to follow this story because for some reason US Soccer fans are unable to just let Donovan fade into history.