LOS ANGELES - Retired soccer player and man-about-town Landon Donovan said that faux-Americans like Jermaine Jones and Fabian Johnson wouldn't care the way he does about losing in the world cup despite the time where he skipped out of playing three crucial world cup qualifiers against Costa Rica, Mexico and Honduras to go hang out on the beach.
" Abby Wambach is RIGHT!" said Donovan as he raged into a telephone. "Those Germans don't know shit about passionate intensity for their country. That's why I decided to not be available when my country needed me the most during World Cup Qualifying. I knew they could carry the water for the national team for me so I let their dispassionate selves do all the hard work so my passionate self could be there oozing America in the World Cup."
Reportedly Donovan is still upset at his exclusion from the 2014 World Cup team despite telling the United States team full of fake Americans to go suck eggs for two months during 2014 World Cup qualifying.
"If we had a clone of myself at every position on the soccer field we would win the world cup," said Donovan's expanding ego. "The point should be... Are you American enough to care about playing for America. Do you speak English? Did you watch Beverly Hills 90210? Do you know a local commercial reference that we can bond over? NO? Not enough America for my America and you can't care like I care exactly the way I care like taking a trip to Cambodia during World Cup Qualifying. THAT... THAT is caring."
The Nutmeg News will likely have more on Donovan as he continues to say ridiculous things.