Major League Soccer Announces Fan Attendance Driven Relegation For Current Franchise Cities

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) on Thursday announced a major development in their business structure with Fan Attendance Driven Relegation for current franchise cities as they stated, "No city that currently has a team is safe, anymore."

The fledgling league indicated that their desire to move franchises around to different cities will now be based entirely upon the performance of the fans at the gate. If fans in cities like Dallas, Houston, New York, Columbus, or New England do not show up with enough season ticket numbers they will move the team from that location to another location while keeping the nickname, tradition, front office staff and players.

"The bottom 3 teams in fan attendance will be removed from their cities, every year," stated MLS President Mark Abbot. "This move will happen regardless of success on the field, so if the MLS Cup Winner comes from Dallas, but they don't show up in the regular season, we will be moving them immediately following that season. It's important to note that we have no problem moving FC Dallas to Albuquerque if Albuquerque will show up in larger numbers than Dallas. This is a business not a charity. We are here to turn a profit and if fans won't compensate us we will move any and every single franchise to wherever we want. We will allow those fans to continue operating in the USL if they have a USL team, but they will be officially relegated from MLS. Honestly, we can all blame the fans for this, they are pretty awful."

According to inside sources, the league has already scouted a move for every team in the league regardless of current status with current standouts like Atlanta, Seattle, Kansas City, and Portland all being slated for moves should their attendance drop off.

"We will relegate those teams to another city immediately if there is even a 5% drop off in attendance, so this is really on the shoulders of the fans," stated Abbot. "We can't be to blame if the fans are to blame. It's really their fault that the team is moving, or terrible, or mismanaged.."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS floats moving the Houston Dynamo to Boerne, Tx for six months just to see how things work out.

God Announces Delay In Prayer Response Due To World Cup

HEAVEN - God, the all-knowing, all-seeing ruler of the parts of earth that believe, announced that there would be a significant delay in prayer response due to the World Cup.

"There's a problem in quadrant D9.

Can we get an MOD to the prayer phone, please?

MOD to the prayer phone."

"We've hit a full on overload situation," stated God to The Nutmeg News. "With all the prayer requests coming in from World Cup fans I haven't even had time to get to the people with illness, the poor, the destitute, the troubled, the sinful or the unbelievers."

According to insider sources with the Supreme Being, God had to diversify the prayer response to other sources as heaven contracted Shiva, Krishna, Lakshmi, Buddha, Odin, Loki, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, and even Satan to help out. 

"Beggar's can't be choosers," stated the Almighty who tried to respond to a praying Spanish fan standing at his home in Madrid. "I've even got Jesus and Mohammed off their little vacations to come help out. You ever work in a phonebank with those two? It's just jokes, jokes, jokes and then I find out that Jesus is drinking 'water' the whole time. My me, it was difficult."

According to reports, some prayers were answered incorrectly as a man looking for a win for Colombia actually received englightenment and reportedly gave up on the sport of soccer to write a novel.

"There will be plenty of time to fix things after this is done, but I can't wait to see what...um... Ronaldo... yeah.... Ronaldo is going to do this time," stated God. "To be fair, I'm taking another vacation in 3 weeks, so honestly you guys are on your own for a bit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as God intervenes in one of the World Cup matches just to mess with a parlay placed in a Las Vegas sport book by Steve "t-bone" Howard.

United States Promises To Be A World Leader In Child Internment Camps By 2022

WASHINGTON - Representatives of the government of the United States stated that they were working on a solution to become a world leader in Child Interment Camps by 2022 in an effort to compete with other countries on the global stage.

"We will have a vibrant and flourishing child interment league by 2022," stated United States director of Child Labor Kirstjen Nielsen. "We will absolutely be in the top 10 of nations across the world with regards to our child interment camps. You will see more and more international children coming to our interment camps and we plan on ensuring that we have the room and the cap space to lock down the all the best four, five and six year old children inside chain link, free range areas where they can get all the Fox News they can handle 24/7."

With the United States competing with established international players like North Korea, they have some work to do in order to catch up, however the Trump administration is working on a solution that will address the amount of children needed to break into the top 10.

"We are just going to take all children regardless of age and then force them into our holding facilities and we don't really give a shit what anyone thinks," stated Nielsen.

According to insider sources, the United States is working on a Child Interment Camp Champions League for all nations that qualify with enough detained 3 year olds that have enough talent to set the nation apart on the global stage.

"I can't wait to win the Champions League," stated Child Interment Camp fan Dave Henderson of Dallas, Texas. "Those kids deserve what they got. If I had my way we would institute corporal punishment for every single person across the border. Just start cutting off hands at the wrists. That's the way forward for this country. Let's return to the Christian values this nation was founded upon, the mass genocide of the indigenous peoples and incarceration of anyone that doesn't look like me."

The Nutmeg News will have another drink, please.

Space Force To Launch First Mission To Retrieve Wondolowski World Cup Shot

WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump announced that the first mission for the newly formed United States Space Force would be to retrieve the ball shot into orbit from Chris Wondolowski during the 2014 World Cup.

"We're getting very big into space, both militarily and for other reasons. Space is war. War is space. We can't let our balls hang out in space. We need our balls. We need space. Spaceballs. SPACE. BALLS. You see, the lying media won't tell you it's about balls and space," stated President Trump to the assembled reporters. 

"It's bigly. Rotten Hillary wouldn't have gotten our balls in space because Comey, Deep State, No-pee tape, crowd size, FBI, lying media children crisis actors should be jailed and armed."

According to insiders with SPACE FORCE (a separate but equal joint), they don't have a clue how they will be getting the ball back however the administration remains nonplussed.

"We have rockets. They have rockets. The media lies about the size of our rockets. Our rockets our huge. Our balls are huge. We have huge rockets to get huge balls," stated President Trump to an ice cream cone he thought was a microphone. "I can't wait to get our huge balls back in our huge rocket. Trump 2020."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the White House pushes to use migrant children as fuel for the upcoming mission.

Disappointed English Journalist Reshapes Headline After England Wins Game Late

Volgograd, Russia - Disappointed English journalist David Thornberry reshaped his castigating headline from Supreme English Disappointment to England Squeaks Through after a late headed goal by Harry Kane allowed the national team to collect three points.

" I dare say that I am QUITE put out by this."

"I'm still going to lay into them in the body of the column," stated Thornberry to columnists from the Guardian, the BBC and The Times who nodded sagaciously at his decision. 

Thornberry was, reportedly, ready to absolutely flagellate the entirety of the England squad as overpaid prima donnas without a lick of respect for the Empire after a close 1-1 draw with Tunisia.

However, after England pulled out a win late in the game, the journalist was left scrambling to find some other way to paint the team in the manner in which he believes they are.

"It's about time that these lads get taken down a peg due to this disappointing victory," stated Henry Heybottle-Whigs of Chesterfield. "I do hope that the papers savage these lads for this INCREDIBLE disappointment."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thornberry realizes he only needs to change the headline because the rest of his column savaging the team can remain.

FOX Announce They Will Broadcast World Cup Final Via Tape Delay In Order To Show 90 Minute Documentary Called, "What If The USA Won World Cup 2018"

LOS ANGELES - FOX television programming announced, today, that it would be broadcasting the 2018 World Cup final via tape delay in order to show a 90 minute documentary called, "What if the United States won the 2018 World Cup."

"We believe that our audience really only cares about the United States," stated FOX director of broadcasting and ethnic slurs Steve Sanders. "What we know is that average Americans only want to watch the United States win and that's that all we need to understand."

Mr. Sanders indicated that fans should be ready for some surprises as he stated that one such item will be the last 10 minutes of the game audio mixed in with Lee Greenwood's patriotic anthem "Proud To Be An American" and a low transparency waving American flag intercut with iconic aerial shots of corn fields and young Americans eating ice cream.

Insiders with FOX indicate that they compiled together game footage of previous United States World Cup games to utilize with motion captured players from this years World Cup games that will allow them to show the United States winning the 2018 World Cup and celebrating in Russia.

"It's going to be a very cathartic experience for the country," stated vice president of programming and director of racist literature Peter Yarborough. "We will finally allow all of the religious FOX viewers to celebrate the dominance of GOD's country as they should expect."

With viewership down on FOX due to everyone in the United states realizing that their coverage is, by and large, a complete dumpster fire, the network decided to pull the plug on broadcasting the final live in an effort to reach out to patriotic Americans who can only stomach the country being great, winning and kicking the shit out of smaller countries for fun.

"USA, USA, USA," stated one American Outlaws fan that we were able to interview. When asked to comment on the game change he then stated, "USA, USA, USA," before waving his American flag that was decorated with an AK-47 and the words "come and take it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FOX goes ahead with their plan, but decides against showing the final game at all.

Area Man Wonders Why Spain Didn't Use Lionel Messi

Omaha, NE - Attending a World Cup watch party, soccer fan Jeremy "Big Cat" Stevens wondered aloud why Spain didn't use Lionel Messi in their recent game against Portugal.

Stevens sat there wearing his Barcelona Messi kit and drinking maragritas as he enjoyed the festivities of the opening days of the 2018 World Cup with his friends.

"Seriously, they have the best player in the world and we don't get to see him play against Ronaldo? That's bullshit."

With Stevens fully enraged he took to twitter to see if there was a medical reason why Messi was left out of the 18 before he came back to order 4 more shots of tequila for, "my bros, Corden, Aiden, Talen and Billyn." 

As the game wound down, Stevens purportedly stated, "well their loss, I guess. I get to see him play with all his teammates on Barcelona all the time and I know how good he is."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as friend=-of-a-friend Elena Paulina tries to explain, without success, to an intoxicated Stevens that Messi plays for Argentina.

"Si! Soy Americano Y Yo Conocer Donde Telemundo Es Por Tres Semanas!"

Denver, CO - American soccer fan Dennis Smith admitted that he now knows where spanish language television station Telemundo is for the next three weeks as he sought refuge from the overbearing coverage on US propaganda station FOX.

"Si! Soy Americano y yo conocer donde Telemundo es por tres semanas," stated Smith proudly showing off his cobbled together Spanish language phrases that simultaneously indicate he somewhat payed attention in High School spanish and his commitment to watching World Cup games without listening to American pundits. "Yo necesito otra cereveza, por favor," stated Smith to his friend Roger at 8:30 am.

Smith reportedly gave up on FOX after finding out that they were going to do 400 hours of coverage talking about why the 2026 World Cup would be better than Russia and how sad it is that the US isn't at the World Cup given how bad all these other teams are that qualified.

"I just can't do it anymore. Another minute of having to listen to Alexi Lalas and Rob Stone is going to bury me. Another second of dealing with the FOX coverage is going to make me hate the world cup and all the people there. It's off to Telemundo! VIVA TELEMUNDO!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith is visited by a FOX executive at his work to ask why he isn't watching the games on their channel anymore.

As The 2018 World Cup Kicks Off, What Are Your Favorite USMNT Players Up To?

With the 2018 World Cup finally kicking off, we with The Nutmeg News decided to take a look at what your favorite players who had a part in the United States v Trinidad and Tobago game are up to on this very auspicious day.

Tim Howard:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Deandre Yedlin:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Omar Gonzalez:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Matt Besler:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Jorge Villafana:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Michael Bradley:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Paul Arriola:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Darlington Nagbe:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Christian Pulisic:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Bobby Wood:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Jose Altidore:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Clint Dempsey:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Benny Feilhaber:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Kellyn Acosta:

What he is up to: NOTHING

D.C. United Hoping That Blinding Sun In Television Cameras Hides How Bad Team Is This Year

WASHINGTON - Insider sources with D.C. United (a soccer team in Washington D.C.) indicate that recently uncovered news that the position of the stadium and roof line makes the afternoon sun shine into television cameras was actually not a mistake and instead was a conscious effort by the front office to prevent fans from seeing how poor the team is this season as they struggle on and off the field.

We don't need any stupid sun studies!

United, who are currently dead last in the Eastern Conference, have struggled this season as the front office continues to have thirteen jobs done by Ben Olsen including team driver, chef, seat ticket representative, and masseuse. 

"These reporters think that this was a mistake, but in reality this was a decision by the front office to ensure that we don't look bad on national TV," stated one United insider. "You can't hate what you can't see! 9 points! Once they flip the team and sell to a consortium of businessmen from China they will tell them that they need to build a cover over the whole stadium and complete the design."

Fans say that they remain un-surprised by any of this as they continue to find ways to be let down by a front office that has managed to sever much of the good will remaining at the team over the past 10 years.

"I'm just going to keep re-watching that Lewis Neal goal from 6 years ago," stated D.C. United fan Osvaldo Gonzalez. "Ugh."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as D.C. United deny that the sun exists.

FIFA Hopes World Cup Spotlight Will Force United States To Resolve Human Rights Issues

Zurich, CH - After the final announcement was made regarding the destination of the 2026 World Cup, the Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) indicated that they hoped the World Cup spotlight would force the country to resolve some of their human rights issues over the next 8 years.

"We spoke to the administration of President Trump and he assured us that they would take a look at our concerns," stated President Gianni Infantino to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "This country has 8 years and we will be keeping as close an eye as we have on the World Cup in Qatar."

Insiders with FIFA indicate that the federation was very worried about the United States caging children in detention centers, the poor treatment and working conditions of immigrant and migrant workers, the rise of far right fascist groups, the unsolved and virulent racism, and the gun violence epidemic that has no signs of slowing down.

"We took into consideration the problems with the United States, but decided that money was money and money, money, but money and so much money," stated FIFA secretary Thandie Portnoy. "We already did indentured servitude, homophobia and poor treatment of migrant workers with no rights in Qatar, so moving to the United States really isn't going to be that different."

Sources with the United States claim that you can't paint the country with a broad brush, but they did admit that there's been 23 school shootings so far in 2018 and it's likely only going to get worse in 8 years as the country does absolutely fuck-all to resolve any of their issues.

"We believe that football can bring a country together," stated Infantino. "The spotlight of fair play and code of ethics for which FIFA is famous will shine a light on the United States and encourage reform in the rampant economic divide, racism, and violence that currently courses through the nation."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as .... um..... well.... look, let's just hope that everyone keeps their nukes in their pants for the next 8 years.

Woman Who Can't Plan Dinner Absolutely Ready To Attend World Cup In 8 Years

NEW YORK - Whilst having a difficult time making a decision about whether she can afford to patronize Pão De Queijo or Alnour or Papa's Kitchen or Christina's for dinner, soccer fan Andrea Guzman was reportedly absolutely ready and excited to attend the World Cup in the United States in 8 years.

The only thing you need to understand is FIFA and Coca-Cola!

"I can't wait," tweeted Ms. Guzman who currently doesn't have a job that would allow her to buy a $25 bus ticket to Rockaway Beach. "The games are going to be amazing and so much fun to attend."

Sources say that Guzman is still trying to nail down a career that will let her reach her aspirations as she struggles to make it in New York City on a daily basis.

"Andrea had to borrow money from me to wash her laundry last month," stated good friend Sandra Sahib. "I'm sure she will have it figured out in 8 years, though."

Experts indicate that 8 years is a long time, however they say that it isn't impossible to predict that tickets will be insanely expensive provided there isn't a major world war by that time.

"We expect tickets to be so expensive that we can't even begin to understand their value," stated director of metrics for New York University Carla Abreu. "There may be a cottage industry of indentured servitude or prostitution that will allow for early ticket purchase. Perhaps there will be a way of selling an entire human. We aren't certain. However, what we are certain is that it will be so expensive that if you can't already afford them right now, you won't be able to dream about them 7 years from now either."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this in 7 years from the front line of the Eastern Appalachian front where the Democratic Socialist Republic is pushing back on the Grafton Notch front line of the Holy Christian Empire of Patriot Americans.

North Carolina Courage To Release 700 Club Scarf

Cary, NC - In an effort to reach out to both communities in their area, the North Carolina Courage announced today that in addition to their Pride scarf they would also be releasing a two sided 700 Club scarf.

This is going to be some PRIDE event.

The quote is from a Jerry Fallwell interview with Pat Robertson on the 700 club in which he blames the, "pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularise America" for the terrorist attacks on New York City.

Insiders with the North Carolina Courage indicate that they had a hard time picking between Falwell's quote on The 700 Club  or the quote from The 700 Club's host himself, Pat Robertson, in which he said that people who had too much plastic surgery, "got the eyes like they're Oriental," whereupon the host on the television program then stretched his eyelids out in approximation of his racist stereotype.

With midfielder Jaelene Hinkle recently appearing on The 700 Club to discuss her opposition to the LGBTQ community, the Courage stated that they were simply trying to appease all members of their fanbase.

Reportedly, the Courage even debated going with the Pat Robertson quote describing his self-advanced conspiracy that allowing Gay marriage will Christians turn to bestiality as the scarf quote stated, "You’re gonna say that you like anal sex, you like oral sex, you like bestiality,” with the other side stating North Carolina Football Club.

We reached out to the Courage about this but they stated, "nothing we are doing is hurting anyone, we are just being tolerant to absolutely bat-shit insane Christian televangelists who blamed a pact with the devil for Haiti's earthquake and believes that allowing gay marriage will turn Christian's into dog loving sodomites. What's wrong with that?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Courage debate whether putting Pat Robertson's quote about Muslims being motivated by demonic power will allow them to truly reach both sides.

FIFA Waiting To See If United States, Canada And Mexico End Up In Three Nation War Before Awarding World Cup 2026

Zurich, CH - The Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) announced that they would delay any World Cup 2026 announcement until they are able to accurately asess whether the three countries attempting a joint bid for the 2026 World Cup would actually turn on each other and send North America reeling into a continental conflagration in the next few years.

United................... SURE you are.

"We know that World Cup 2026 in North America would be a cash cow," stated Gianni Infantino, president of FIFA. "However, given the current rhetoric and acrimony between President Donald Trump, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and President Enrique Peña Nieto we are waiting to ensure that we don't award the 2026 World Cup to a war ravaged continent on the brink of collapse."

Insiders with the White House indicate that they feel betrayed by FIFA indicating that they recently asked their North American partners to include Russia in the bid, in an effort at expanding the footprint of the World Cup on a global scale.

"We will have the biggest World Cup the world has ever seen if we share the tournament with Moscow," stated one White House insider that The Nutmeg News found out later resigned after it was discovered that he recently ordered 2,000,000,000 used sex dolls for Scott Pruitt at the Environmental Protection Agency.

Officials with Canada and Mexico were reportedly shocked at the whole scenario as they indicated that they weren't certain where all the saber rattling was coming from as they were just trying to get an international soccer tournament inside their own borders.

However, senior Trump officials stated that they were ready to, "bomb the everloving shit out of Ottawa and Guadalajara if they started talking about tariffs and hosting the world cup again." This inflammatory sentiment was not missed by FIFA who reportedly called Monaco in another late night session of planning.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we find an economist and historian who isn't hiding in their bomb shelter.

Chicago Fire Announce Section Ban As They Have Too Many Fans

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire announced a section ban for supporters group Sector Latino as they stated that they have entirely too many fans and that they need to reduce overhead.

We have TENS of fans! TENS. 

"We have a long tradition of being supported by the community in Chicago," stated General Manager Nelson Rodriguez. "So it's important that we reduce the number of fans that we have. We have way too many fans in the stands. We need fewer fans.... or is it less.... Anyway, we just have too many fans and we need to reduce that so that we have less than 5,000 people in the stands."

The Fire experienced attendance after their 2016 season where they finished dead fucking last in the league and their 2015 season where they finished dead fucking last in the league and the 2014 season where they finished 15th out of 19 teams. 

Insiders with the team say that their recent history of being absolutely terrible is the primary reason why they decided to ban some of their only remaining passionate fans.

"We realized that if we manage to finish bottom of the league again that we will have a surging attendance again," stated one anonymous source. "We can't have the stadium filling up, that means we have more employees to not pay and we can't afford to not pay the employees that we already have."

Fans state that the only season the Fire were decent, recently, was 2017 and that appears to be more of a mirage as the recent history of the Fire is absolute garbage.

"It's amazing that they think it's ok to ban fans for something that those fans didn't even do," stated Chicago fan Tom Rivers. "But this organization has been a dumpster fire since Hauptman took the team over so it really isn't surprising."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the team considers just banning all fans.

United States Victory Over France Shows That US Soccer Doesn't Need To Change

Lyon, FR - The United States 1-1 victory over France in their World Cup tune-up was, reportedly, a resounding victory for staying the course stated new U.S. Soccer Federation (USSF) President Carlos Cordeiro. 

"This just shows that Sunil Gulati and Thomas Rongen and Bruce Arena were all on the right path towards creating a team that can beat the best," stated Cordeiro in his post victory match quotes.

Insiders with U.S. Soccer state that the monumental victory this close to the 2018 World Cup re-emphasized the work that Bruce Arena did before he gracefully stepped down to let Dave Sarachan take over the reigns.

"We now know that the work that Bruce put in to have this team firing on all cylinders has come to fruition," stated one USSF insider. "Everyone can clearly see that this team is now firing on all cylinders as we defeated France on their own soil. The youth are coming around just as Bruce predicted and not that German guy we don't talk about anymore."

With the future seemingly endlessly bright, fans are starting to show their enthusiasm as World Cup fever struck fans across the United States. 

"We are going to WIN!," stated Dave Willians of Mobile, Alabama."Going to just defeat the crap out of all those other countries. When the hell do the games start?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some things change, trust us.

L.A. Galaxy Acquire LeBron James

LOS ANGELES - The L.A. Galaxy announced on Saturday morning that they signed 33 year old former Cleveland Cavaliers player LeBron James to a 5 year designated player contract using all their available TAM, GAM and trading away all their international roster spots to DC United.

This blockbuster deal comes after the Galaxy and head coach Sigi Schmid admitted that they weren't getting enough production in the midfield.

"We felt that we needed a better number 10 in the midfield that could control the game," stated Schmid to The Nutmeg News. "LeBron's ability to split the defense with passes and see the court will absolutely extend to the game of soccer and we are happy to have him here until he decides to retire in a year or two."

As far as tactics go, Schmid said he was taking it one game at a time as he expects, "LeBron will just um... go over .... there and um.... do... a pass thing to someone up top. It'll all work out."

Sources close to Mr. James indicate that the former Cavaliers star saw this as a way to extend his career as he indicated, "At least in soccer my team isn't going to let me down...... right?"

Fans were reportedly over the moon about this decision as many of them couldn't believe that they acquired the former NBA Champion.

"This is bullshit, right?" stated Jerry Evans of Silver Lake. "Bron is coming here to retire, just like Zlatan. I am not excited for this crap at all," stated the excited fan.

Sportswriters across the blogosphere were also thrilled as this finally allowed them to write their long held, "what if the best athlete's in the United States played soccer," columns with the first Bleacher Report article titled -- LOOK OUT WORLD! WE GOT NEXT! -- to be published on Sunday morning. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as LeBron attends his first practice and demands more time on the ball.

"I'm Not Disagreeing With You," States Man On Reddit Who Is Disagreeing With You

INTERNET - Reddit user u/DarnItHenry was reportedly told, "I'm not disagreeing with you," by u/MagillaGorilla6969 after the user disagreed with him on his interpretation of the New York Cosmos, promotion/relegation, and the structure of US Soccer on Thursday morning.

"Listen bro, I'm not disagreeing with you, really," stated MagillaGorilla6969 as they laid out a bullet point list of all the places that they disagreed with DarnItHenry. "We agree on what you are talking about, you just aren't understanding what I'm saying."

Reportedly, DarnItHenry got online to check on his daily news, upvote a few pictures of kittens and go about his day before he was pulled into an eternal suckfest conversation on the topic of US Soccer.

"I regret everything," stated DarnItHenry as he attempted to somehow close out the tabs on his browser, forget even engaging in the first place and try to find some kind of inner peace while understanding that he was being eviscerated by an anonymous dickhead in the comments section of a thread read by hundreds of nerds, nationwide

"I'm just saying that you aren't wrong and that I agree with you except for your entire premise," stated MagillaGorilla6969 again as he sent a private message to DarnItHenry that contained 13 separate links from other blogs that tenously supported a position somewhat tangential to his original point.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 3 years from now MagillaGorilla6969 brings up that time, "when DarnItHenry was so wrong, bro."

Louisville City Avoid Cupset As The USL Champion Advances Over Reserve Side New England Revolution

Louisville, KY - Defending USL Champion Louisville City Football Club knocked reserve side New England Revolution out of the US Open Cup to advance on Tuesday night as fans flocked to Lynn Stadium to watch the local team perform.

Photo: The Enquirer/Kareem Elgazzar)

"It was a tough game, but we showed our quality," stated Louisville City head coach James O'Connor. "We knew that the Revolution would come in with a chip on their shoulder, but we just had to weather the storm and show why we are the defending USL Champion."

With a squad that boasted some former MLS players in Andrew Farrell and Scott Caldwell, the upstart Revolution attempted to take the game to Louisville City and had some success as they forced an own goal early. However the quality from the reigning USL Champions was on full display as they easily closed out the US Open Cup game and sent the Revolution home to lick their wounds.

"It was a tough game, but they are a champion for a reason," stated Revolution head coach, IT director, merchant services director, advertising executive, and team bus driver Brad Friedel. "We put out a lineup we thought could compete with them, but they were just too strong in the end."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Louisville City continues their run through the US Open Cup.

Earnie Stewart Leaves Philadelphia Union For US Soccer After 3 Extraordinarily Successful Seasons

Chester, PA - The Philadelphia Union announced today that sporting director Earnie Stewart will be departing for US Soccer after 3 extraordinarily successful seasons in charge of the Union.

Since his hire in 2015, the Union finished in 6th in 2016 and 8th in 2017 making the playoffs once. They are currently in 7th place in the Eastern Conference with an overall record of 5 wins 6 losses and 3 draws. The highlight of Stewart's reign was a 3-1 loss to Toronto during the 2016 MLS Cup playoffs.

Union fans say that they will miss his player acquisitions as they grew accustomed watching luminaries like Anderson Conceiçao take the league by storm.

"We wish Earnie the best of success," stated Union owner Jay Sugarman. "We only hope that he keeps up the high standards that he had with the Union as he transitions into the international scene."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart attempts to acquire MLS International Superstar Landon Donovan from Mexico.