GLORIOUS NATION OF UNITED STATES KEEPS MENACE OF TIBET WOMEN AT BAY

YEWNITED STATES! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW! - GLORIOUS NATION OF UNITED STATES courageously kept menace of 20 year old soccer playing Tibet Women from door as comrades boldly struck global victory against RED MENACE OF COMMUNISTS HERE TO IMPOSE TIBETAN SHARIA LAW ON DEARBORN, MICHIGAN.

USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA  

USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA

USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA  

Reports from The Guardian (liberal newspaper that is failing desperately. SAD!) indicated that GLORIOUS NATION OF UNITED STATES, banned 15 soccer players from Tibet who planned on taking part in soccer tournament in Dallas proving to them that squashing the dreams of women is something GLORIOUS NATION OF UNITED STATES can do internationally as well as locally.

One player representing terrorist hotspot of Tibet indicated that the United States was a well educated nation showing once again their intention to attempt to educate the local populace of women soccer players and get them equal pay. SAD!

Courageous Border Representatives denied visa for players stating, "Soccer? That ain't important. Get back to your country before we come for your oil."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as GLORIOUS NATION OF UNITED STATES strikes back again at global soccer.

Despite Shovels In Dirt, D.C. United Fan Still Doesn't Believe Stadium Rumors

WASHINGTON - Despite shovels in the dirt and a groundbreaking ceremony, D.C. United fan Quincy Pearson admitted that he still doesn't believe the stadium rumors of a new facility for D.C. United.

FAKE NEWS!

FAKE NEWS!

"Nope, this is just another lie in the whole process," stated Pearson to The Nutmeg News. "I know this because I've been a fan for 21 years and I've seen roughly 21 different proposals come my way, and we are currently playing in RFK. So, no... there is no stadium."

Reportedly, fellow fans attempted to convince Pearson that the stadium deal actually is happening this time but he continued his resolute conviction that the whole thing was a fraud.

"Nope, doesn't matter. I know what I know and I know that no matter what I'm still walking into RFK for first kick. This is all just a false flag to distract us from the fact that Olsen is still coaching this team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pearson continues to state this fact even after he attends a game at the new stadium.

New Crew Kit Comes With Lightly Used Reel Big Fish Album

Columbus, OH - The front office of the Columbus Crew announced that orders of the newly released 2017 primary kit would contain a copy of Turn the Radio Off by the ska band Reel Big Fish.

"The checkboard pattern allows us the opportunity to really explore the roots of Ska music in the Columbus area," stated Andy Loughnane, president of business operations. "We felt that our fans would really enjoy a copy of Turn the Radio Off and the hit single 'Join the Club' could frame the upcoming 2017 season."

Sources within the organization state that the club is exploring a Pork Pie Hat giveaway with a branded Crew hat band.

"We are skankin towards the future, here in Columbus," stated Loughane. "Come on down to Mapfre all you rude boys and rude girls! Let's dance!"

All the Moon Stompers were unavailable for comment

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we stop spinning The Specials.

Devotion To Random NFL Team Not Propagating To Random MLS Team

Birmingham, AL - Local soccer fan and die hard Seattle Seahawks 12th man Tom Brown admitted that the limit to his arbitrary loves in sports extends only to the boundary of the NFL as he refuses to just randomly pick an MLS team.

CHRISTIAN PETERSEN VIA GETTY IMAGES

CHRISTIAN PETERSEN VIA GETTY IMAGES

"Soccer won't be big in this country until local fans have a rooting interest in their club getting promoted up the ladder," stated Brown as he flexed a newly inked 12 tattoo on his bicep. "I may have picked my NFL team arbitrarily based upon the fact that they win a lot and their fans make a lot of noise, but I refuse to extend the same level of effort towards soccer."

Brown stated that while he cheers for the Alabama Crimson Tide, that his NFL allegiance was always in flux. However, his love of football, his need to talk to co-workers about the NFL, and his need to have a community somewhere lead him to randomly switch his die-hard allegiance the Seahawks right about the time they hired Pete Carroll. 

"I may be 2,500 miles away from Seattle, but I do it for the love of the game. However, following a random MLS team? No sir. I'm not about to give my love to an arbitrarily selected team in soccer like I did with the NFL. The MLS is all corporate culture, not for the fans. That's why I'm fine with my randomly selected team in the NFL. I'm going to complain online and in person about the current soccer system in the US not catering to my own desires and not pick any team at all. That's how it works. I'm waiting to go full bore into soccer when we finally have whatever they have in England and not a moment before."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brown arbitrarily decides to support Chelsea.

I Went To Melbourne Once When I Was 16, For A Youth Trip, So Of COURSE I'm Victory For Life

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The content within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

 

Today's letter comes from Gerald Emmet Willson Jr. of New Vernon, NJ

 

G'day Mates!

I went to Melbourne once when I was 16, for a youth trip, so of COURSE I'm Victory for life.

Don't know that? Check out my scarf. It's real. Yeah, mate. I got it off the team website.

Don't know who Victory are? Well fuck you, mate. You need to learn about the A-League, stat. Give it a burl! Just don't do what my mate David did at the The Lawrenceville School and pick your A-league team off Youtube videos. That's how he ended up a Western Sydney fan. He's a dickhead, but we are still friends. You got those hard lads from Melbourne and those figjam's from Melbourne City FC, and those thick Clayton's from Sydney. It's going off down there. 

Mate, trust me when I say that I'm up on all the A-League trends. This MLS bollocks is just shite, mate. You ever see a bunch of hard ultras from Minor League Soccer put out banners and flares? Nah, mate. Put another shrimp on the barbie and let me educate you. Victory pierced my heart like a bloody Stingray, you know what I mean? I was in Melbourne for three days, but everyone said I was like a local by that time. People would ask me for directions, because I looked like such a local, like I was dressing like a local without even realizing it. And everyone told me my Aussie accent was legit, mate.

But you are reading this for the footy, and footy is great, but don't take my word for it. Grab a Fosters and watch some games. Just get up at 2:00 am like I do when I'm meeting up with some of the local kids to sling some adderall. Look I'll wake up for a game that early, but I'm not going to Harrisburg for a Red Bull game. FAKE SOCCER. 

 

Anyway, up the might Victory, fuck off FFA and the terrace sings as one for you!

Soccer Twitter Slowly Devolves To Locked Accounts Subtweeting Each Other

According to reports from the Internet, many peoples experience with Soccer Twitter has devolved to an ever larger number of locked accounts subtweeting each other as the experience of dealing with negative idiots, bots, stalkers, and absolute jerks encourages people to go for a more curated twitter experience.

"My experience with soccer twitter started out so well," stated Union fan David Ersnt. "I was really enjoying myself, but after some really weird and unsavory interactions with some bizarre people, I had to lock my account. Things were just getting too real."

Reportedly, Ernst was enjoying the banter and the interactions with fans across the league until the banter and conversations crossed over into personal attacks and logging into the social media service turned into a daily reminder on how depressed he is supposed to be.

"I was thinking of either blowing up my old account or just locking it down, so I figured I'd try this, un-follow a bunch of people and see if that increased my enjoyment of the service."

Despite his best efforts, Ernst states that most of the content he now gets for soccer is just locked accounts that used to be public tweeters, sub-tweeting other soccer accounts that they dislike.

"I'm not even certain what the subcurrent is anymore, because I don't follow enough of the locked accounts to figure out what the other people who used to talk about things now whisper about in private."

The Nutmeg News will have less on this situation as a locked account that we can't see talks about this in private with another locked account.

Western New York Flash Fans Still Awaiting NWSL Schedule Release

Rochester, NY - Fans of the defending National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) Champion Western New York Flash are reportedly still awaiting the release of their home opening dates and schedule by the NWSL.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Sahlen's Meat is a big pile of shit! Scott Halleran/Getty Images

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Sahlen's Meat is a big pile of shit!

Scott Halleran/Getty Images

"We see that all the other NWSL teams received their opening day schedules," stated Lara Davidson, a Flash Mob member and Flash fan for 10 years after she started following the Buffalo Flash for a regional soccer fix.

"It just seems a bit odd that the defending champions of the NWSL aren't included in the opening day schedule release. I don't know if they are teasing us, or trying to tweak the fans here, but it just seems weird that we haven't seen our opening day, yet."

Our reporters did not reach out to the NWSL executives, but we are guessing they wouldn't return our emails about where the schedule is anyway.

The Nutmeg News will, unfortunately, not have more on this.

Bidding War Escalates For Player Rights To Cow Rampaging Through City

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York, today, announced their intention of signing the Cow rampaging through Queens, this afternoon, to their developmental squad as a bidding war broke out between all factions of New York City soccer teams as to whom would have the rights to the home grown bovine.

We see him as a bulldozing #6, so to speak, instead of a box to box midfielder.

We see him as a bulldozing #6, so to speak, instead of a box to box midfielder.

The New York Cosmos also placed a bid due to Cow playing in their territory as they claimed rights over the hooved menace stating, "The New York Cosmos and the NASL have rights on this cow. It's in Queens, we know the mother and Cow hasn't signed a development contract with Major League Soccer."

However, despite the Cosmos and Red Bull New York interest, Major League Soccer stated that NYCFC actually held the right of first refusal on Cow and was willing to listen to offers of trades for future considerations and TAM/GAM in order to gain a benefit from the cow. NYCFC is, reportedly, also considering playing Cow in Mix Diskerud's position as it could only offer more going forward than the player did in 2016.

"We believe in the power and capabilities of Cow," stated Patrick Viera. "However, we must do our due diligence and listen to offers from all teams. We plan on finding a place for him in our lineup unless something changes."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Don Garber is called in to mediate the internal dispute between MLS clubs.

Man Live Tweets Colonoscopy On Team Hashtag

Beaverton, OR - Citing the reason, "people like my tweets, y'know," Portland Timbers fan Rick Sandberg live tweeted his colonoscopy on the Timbers fans hashtag, over the weekend.

HIS PROBE IS A KILLING WORD! Cover art from Heretics of Dune by Frank Herbert

HIS PROBE IS A KILLING WORD!

Cover art from Heretics of Dune by Frank Herbert

"I think it's important for everyone," stated Sandberg as he sent another tweet that read, "I'm on the table! Knees drawn in! Here we go! #RCTID"

Friends and completely anonymous perverts were drawn into Sandberg's spellbinding tweets as he continued to live tweet the tube insertion with pictures of the polyp that his doctor was looking at as he lay prone on the table.

"Now THAT'S a healthy looking polyp. Feeling a bit full, if you know what I mean. I need tickets to the opener, anyone have an extra? #RCTID," tweeted Sandberg from his account. "20 minutes to glory! This feels like 2012 all over again. Who wants more pictures? #RCTID," continued the earnest tweeter as his doctor probed the inner walls of his colon. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sandberg creates a limited edition patch commemorating his successful colonoscopy.

USWNT To Allow Russian Players On Squad For Upcoming Friendlies

NEW YORK - Jill Ellis, head coach of the United States Women's National Team (USWNT), stated that she didn't know where the leaks started that insinuated that the USA would let Russian players on the USWNT, but that they were real leaks about fake news.

MERCIFUL COMRADES!

MERCIFUL COMRADES!

Ellis denied the Russian interference in a long rambling speech on Friday morning stating, "The Russians are good, they are fine. I like to think that I know what the people want and this is something. And the leaks are good, but the news is fake. We wouldn't let Russian interference happen on our watch, and we don't know about Russian interference. The USA is strong, but also very weak, but also very strong and we are making it great, but it's also bad. The Nutmeg News is fake news. You are all fake news and we know that while the leaks about the Russians on Team USA is true, that the leaks are real about fake news."

At the request of Comrade Putin relayed through intermediaries, Russian midfielder Elena Kostareva will join the United States to learn and play with the United States in order to better understand how to undermine them at a later date.

"Kostareva is a fine player. She is the best. She is going to make the US great again," stated Ellis to The Nutmeg News. "We must understand this moving forward. We are going to win so much. We are going to win so much that you are going to get tired of winning. We might be doing that with Russian sleeper agents, but that's not really any of your business. Also, we would like to welcome Margarita Chernomyrdina to the United States team, as well."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we investigate how much Ellis knows about Russian interference in USWNT matters.

Родина-мать счастлив и горд показывают футбольный набор крови окрашена славные работники

 

Вашингтон, США - Родина-мать счастлив и горд показывают футбольный набор крови
окрашена славные работники.

Диего Коста сленг для половых органов

Диего Коста сленг для половых органов

 

"Пусть слава Родины светят вниз на всех нас давая нам надежду на будущее," заявил премьер USSF Санил Галати. "Да здравствует товарищ козырем и пусть наш новый рассвет быть славной Красной Заре для всех."

Как Джефф Фоксворти говорят: В капиталистическом Америке, вы носите Kickball рубашку.

Многие женщины видели плач и много любви была уделена состоянию после того, как показывают красную рубашку власти. Женщины жаждали одеть свои муж и отправить их в бой кубка мира, и простить нарушение договоров оружия, которые были настолько глупыми, что они не должны существовать. Да здравствует государство и красные комплекты людей!

В капиталистическом Америке, вы едите пищу! ХА! Поскольку пища не съест вас, это другой путь туда, потому что они настолько дурацкие и сумасшедшие! Aahhh РОДИНА !!!!!!

 

Whitecaps Fan Quickly Rationalizing Montero Acquisition

Vancouver, BC - Vancouver Whitecaps fan Andrew Hanssen admitted that he is quickly rationalizing the acquisition of former Seattle Sounder Fredy Montero as he progresses through the stages of grief after spending a full day hating the acquisition on Twitter.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.  Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. WHY? Ok, well, .... maybe he will be ok. God, this offseason is terrible. I can't wait to see him break everyone's heart in Seattle."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo. 

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

WHY?

Ok, well, .... maybe he will be ok.

God, this offseason is terrible.

I can't wait to see him break everyone's heart in Seattle."

"GOD. WHY? GOD. WHY?" stated Hanssen when the rumors began to surface of the acquisition of one of the players that Hanssen hated with a passionate fervor previously. "We need offense.... but NOT LIKE THIS.... NOT... LIKE... THIS."

Reportedly, by the time time that the Whitecaps made the official announcement on Wednesday morning, Hanssen was already progressing from denial through anger to bargaining to depression and was verging on acceptance primarily because the team has no one else that is trustworthy that can score goals.

"I'm already working on imagining him scoring against the Sounders to win the Cascadia Cup," stated Hanssen to his friends. "I hate this move with the fire of a thousand suns, but I love my Caps, but I also hate this move. I'm very conflicted. This offseason sucks."

The Nutmeg News will have more as Hanssen starts to boo Montero during the first game at BC Place because he can't help himself.

 

Return Of Champions League An Annual Reminder Of Man's Aesthetic Superiority

TORONTO - For Wesley Marshall, the return of the UEFA Champions League is an annual reminder of his aesthetic superiority over all the rest of his fellow soccer fans as he crowed again about the standard of play in the only soccer league that he is willing to watch.

Does your team play in North America? Yes? Then I don't want to hear about them.

Does your team play in North America? Yes? Then I don't want to hear about them.

"MLS? Terrible. USL? Terrible. La Liga? Terrible. The Canadian Premier League that hasn't even started yet? Oh yes, we KNOW that is going to be terrible. The only true competition for any soccer fan is the UEFA Champions League," ranted Mr. Marshall to his friends on his Facebook account as he waded into any conversation about soccer with his typical sanctimonious rage.

"All leagues and all players who aren't in the UEFA Champions League are terrible and unworthy of even existing," ranted Marshall as his malice towards any soccer other than the ultimate competition was unbound and full of righteous indignation. "You shouldn't even be watching MLS, USL, the NPSL, or any league that isn't in Europe. You definitely shouldn't be watching any teams in England because if the Champions League has shown us anything it is that teams in England are shit. There is only one competition, and there is only one soccer team that is worth your attention and that competition is the UEFA Champions League and that soccer team is whichever team claims that prize."

Mr. Marshall stated that he doesn't purchase team gear, or root for any specific team as he prefers to soak in the spectacle of the UEFA Champions League in a respectable format in observance of his strict application of aesthetic purity.

"Life isn't about watching a team from your area struggle. Life is only about watching the best against the best. Everything else is trifle. So if you talk soccer around me, I will interrupt, because I am compelled to tell you that this is only thing worth watching."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a TFC fan considers punching Mr Marshall in his snobbish nose.

New USL Soccer Website Promises Expansive Team Coverage With Zero Depth

Phoenix, AZ - With the excitement of the USL season starting to build, Peter Khan finally launched his website USLSoccerNews.com with the express intent of trying to cover all 30 teams in the league, poorly.

WOooooooooooooooooo wait.... rhat's where Richmond is? Then, ok... wait Rochester is up by Toronto? photo: uslsoccer.com

WOooooooooooooooooo wait.... rhat's where Richmond is? Then, ok... wait Rochester is up by Toronto?

photo: uslsoccer.com

"USL Soccer News will offer expansive coverage of every single team in the league," stated Khan in between his morning meetings at his position with Avnet. "We will cover all the transactions, information, games, and interesting news stories to the best of our abilities that a staff of 2 can muster while trying to keep our day jobs and being unable to actually watch 1350 minutes of soccer each week."

While speaking to The Nutmeg News, Khan admitted that his website will really be unable to go into depth about anything that actually happens to most of the teams in the league given the time constraints of being an unpaid staff that is only doing this as a passion project. He also admitted that most of their stories would be scraped re-postings from regional journalists with a link to their actual newspaper story. However, he is adamant that his website and twitter account will be spamming your team hashtag soon, for unpaid writers and information about your team.

"We don't really have boots on the ground in Rochester, but there has to be someone out there that needs to get their words out onto the internet. We are going to build a coalition of writers so I can just sit back and edit, hopefully. I'm certain that this is going to work out. How hard can it be to create, edit, distribute and disseminate content on 30 different teams in two countries over the course of 12 months?!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Khan attempts to pass off ownership of the league after running out of energy to edit the site in roughly 7 months.

Man Still Can't Understand Why NWSL Players Won't Accept His Twitter Date Requests And Marriage Proposals

Mobile, AL - Soccer fan and lecherous dickhead Mike Driscoll still can't understand why a number of famous NWSL players won't accept his proposition of a date or marriage proposal on the social media website Twitter, as he relentlessly plugged away in an effort at not being alone on Valentine's Day.

Driscoll's other passion is gaming, just so you know. (Photo: Getty)

Driscoll's other passion is gaming, just so you know.

(Photo: Getty)

"You are so, so sexy," tweeted Driscoll to Becky Sauerbrunn from his account @MobileEastHSCoach. "Lets go out on a date. I know a place."

Driscoll reportedly spent two months chasing Alex Morgan from website to website as he attempted to focus on getting a message to her that Morgan was, "his wifey."

While continually harassing women in an effort at trying to shore up his fragile masculinity, Driscoll still doesn't know why these stars that he propositions with words like, "nice ass," haven't come down to Mobile to date him.

"I'm a great guy. I know I'm a great guy. I'm a normal guy. I'm not like those assholes they date, and I don't understand why they can't see that. I'm a 34 year old man who lives in his parents basement... RENT FREE. How great a situation is that?! This is why I've just repeatedly made comments about how sexy they look online. I need to show them that I can see how hot they are at any time. Nothing is going to entice a superstar with women's soccer more than me telling her on her Instagram feed that she looks great, that I love the way her sweat looks on her body, that I tank with Jarvan IV, the Exemplar of Demacia, in League of Legends, and asking her if would she marry me."

Not content with just making soccer stars he doesn't know uncomfortable, recently Driscoll has taken to leaving inappropriate comments with his Facebook page on older beach weekend pictures of female friends of his friends as he reportedly set a new land speed record for creepy by commenting, "We should go to the Bahamas together," on the bikini picture of a woman he hadn't even met. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Driscoll's lecherous comments and insular thinking isolate him further from any kind of love life.

Historical Newspaper Clippings Show 125 Years Of, "US Soccer A Sleeping Giant," Headlines

Dedicated historical researchers with The Nutmeg News were able to show 125 Years Of, "US Soccer A Sleeping Giant," Headlines as they pulled an old cover of The Nutmeg News from February 15, 1892.

A review through the historical archives of old print versions of The Nutmeg News revealed a headline day 125 years ago as our newspaper proclaimed United States Soccer a sleeping giant!

"This proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that pundits writing about US Soccer are front-runners at claiming things that the USSF hasn't paid off, for some time," stated TNN Senior Researcher Carla Gifford. "These old newspaper clippings show that soccer writers have a tradition, in the United States, of claiming their country to be the country of the future for Soccer. As well, we can see that this tradition of pundits claiming that the United States is a sleeping giant extends back, at least, to 1892."

The Nutmeg News spoke to senior soccer analyst and high school football reporter Brock Landers who stated, "All this shows is that the United States had 125 years to get their shit together and really hasn't. I'm not saying its too late, at this point, but I have a better chance of organizing my divorced parents into a custody agreement for their Shih Tzu than US Soccer has of organizing its pay to play leagues."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we comb through our records for more historical nuggets.

"It's Too Early To Be Overly Critical," States Overly Positive Fan

San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan Hannah Rutherford firmly stated that, "It's too early to be overly critical," as she proceeded to speak in an overly positive fashion about how the Quakes played against the LA Galaxy in their 1-0 pre-season win that she didn't actually watch.

"See? SEEE???? We are already winning trophies!"

"See? SEEE???? We are already winning trophies!"

"Real fans aren't going to nitpick the pre-season for negativity," stated Rutherford to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "Real fans are only going to utilize the pre-season for reinforcing their relentless optimism and buoying their own opinions about how the season is going to go really well! I only use the pre-season to see all the good things that happen and confirm my best opinions that we have the best players. In this fashion, I'll be really disappointed when the season starts and I spend most of my time wondering why all the first team players that were showing well against the reserves of our opponents aren't, now, playing to their potential against starting 11 squads across the league."

Reportedly, Rutherford stated that there is no bigger test than, "The GREATEST rivalry in MLS that never fails to disappoint," and that this intense cauldron of pre-season atmosphere would, "forge the Earthquakes players into a firebrand of league domination."

Rutherford stated all this despite not actually watching the LA Galaxy v Earthquakes game. The inability to watch the clash didn't dampen her enthusiasm for the upcoming season as she stated, "Our players are already winning trophies and you haven't even started playing! What a season!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Rutherford continues her relentless and unchecked optimism even in the face of other fans more level headed analysis.

Shy Supporter Ready For Everyone Else To Get Loud

Philadelphia, PA - Union supporter Brandt Jacobs acknowledged that he is a shy individual at games who rarely sings, but he remains prepared to passive-aggressively goad other individuals into being loud as he prepares for upcoming Union games.

"GET LOUD... ALL OF YOU.... NOT ME, THOUGH... I'M JUST GOING TO SIT HERE AND NOT PARTICIPATE" USA Today Sports

"GET LOUD... ALL OF YOU.... NOT ME, THOUGH... I'M JUST GOING TO SIT HERE AND NOT PARTICIPATE"

USA Today Sports

"I tend to complain about other people not being loud enough without actually being loud myself," stated Jacobs to The Nutmeg News. "I'm just always so damn paranoid about being too loud and having people stare at me. I'm very self conscious about how I look and sound at a game. Despite everyone else being involved in watching the game, I always feel like someone is watching me which prevents me from participating at all due to my crushing self-awareness. However, that isn't going to stop me from calling other people out, online, for not being loud enough at the game."

Jacobs took to his account in preparation of the upcoming pre-season games and the regular season to indicate that people need to get loud in the River End, except for him.

"Get LOUD. SING PROUD," tweeted Jacobs despite having no intention of doing so himself. "It's time to make the River End a LOUD place again. We need more people involved."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jacobs admits that he doesn't even know all the lyrics to all the SOB songs.

FC Dallas Announce That CCL Will Not Distract From Meaningless March Games

Dallas, TX - Football Club Dallas announced today that the CONCACAF Champions League (CCL), starting February 23, will not distract from their slate of meaningless March games as they sought to assure their fans that they will prioritize the regular season.

"We will be fine... totally fine.. none of these guys even have an emoji!"

"We will be fine... totally fine.. none of these guys even have an emoji!"

"It's important for us to focus on games in March that will, inevitably, have nothing to do with how our regular season ends up," stated FC Dallas spokesman Lorne Bleau. "We want to reassure our fans and supporters that we do plan on treating the CCL like a glorified reserves match where we trot out our up and coming 18 year old players with a smattering of first team players that we think will give us stability."

Insider sources indicate that FC Dallas have been asking around the league for advice on whether Arabe Unido is a "Play your 18 year old players" team or "mix of youth and regulars with that one defensive player that is awful but will probably be fine against this team."

"We categorically reject that we will take the meaningless games in March easily," stated Bleau to the Nutmeg News. "All the games in Major League Soccer are important, even if they really aren't. We plan on copying the Seattle Sounders and Portland Timbers success by having a very successful March and April that leads into an MLS Cup Victory parade in December."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when FC Dallas is knocked out of the CCL.

Man Slowly Ramps Up Alcohol Consumption To Prepare For Season

LOS ANGELES - With three weeks til the Major League Soccer season begins, soccer fan Paul Sanchez is slowly ramping up his alcohol consumption to increase his tolerance as he stated, "I need to be ready for the amount of drinking involved with soccer."

PRE-SEASON TRAINING! Photo Credit: Jon Feingersh/Blend Images/Getty Images

PRE-SEASON TRAINING!

Photo Credit: Jon Feingersh/Blend Images/Getty Images

Sanchez stated that during the 2016 pre-season, he didn't do enough work on his tolerance and he suffered after games.

"I'd have three or four beers before the game during the tailgate. Then I'd have three of four beers during the game, and then I'd have a beer or two after the game; and I would have a raging hangover the next day. I can't show up at the office and try to work with a splitting headache."

Sanchez then realized he needed to work on his tolerance for the 2017 pre-season.

"I'm doing a lot of dead lifts with beers like Natty Light and Milwaukee's Best. Then I'm cross training with a specific selection of bottom shelf liquors. These are mostly whisky and tequila shots with a smattering of random jello shots mixed in to prepare for a wildcard tailgate staple. I'm compounding this with some weekend drinking from craft brews to ensure that I can handle the ABV difference. It's important to cross train if you are going to get all around fitness on beers."

Reportedly, it isn't just beer fitness that has Mr Sanchez training but also the off-season shakeup of the LA Galaxy as he stated, "Have you seen our lineup? I don't even know what to expect. I'm likely going to be doing a LOT of post-game drinking this season. My friends don't think it's a problem if you have one drink a night, so why does everyone freak out if you have two... or three a night... or maybe even four? Or look, sometimes you have to go to that other party and they have a drink there. Then you have dinner, and you aren't going to serve that without wine, right? And everyone knows that you can't have weekend breakfast without a red beer. And then there's a game on Friday, so you are drinking there and you wake up on Saturday with a hangover so the best cure is a beer with some early morning European soccer, and there's a Xolos game on at night, and you aren't going to watch that without a beer. It's all just cross training."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanchez realizes he needs to sober up for the month of June.