Despondent Bob Kraft Admits That No Amount Of Super Bowl Wins Will Fill MLS Cup Void

Houston, TX - A despondent Bob Kraft admitted, on Monday, that no amount of Super Bowl wins will fill the void of a missing MLS Cup from his trophy case as he dejectedly fired back at the press.

"I breathe Revolution football. I live Revolution football. It's all I can understand."

"You don't understand that every hollow victory by the Patriots just exacerbates my enveloping depression concerning the Revolution," stated Kraft to the room full of journalists. "Sure I can win in the NFL, but anyone can do that. Meanwhile, I've failed demonstrably to build a winner in soccer despite my worst efforts."

Kraft reportedly left the Super Bowl victory immediately after the trophy presentation to sit in a darkened suite at NRG Stadium and watch a replay of the three straight finals that his beloved Revolution "Buffalo Bill'd" back in the early 2000's.

"I breathe Revolution football. I live Revolution football. It's all I can understand. I kick every ball with Lee Nguyen. I chase every header with Kei Kamara. I make every turn with Gershon Koffie... wait... he is still on the team, right? The Patriots are the placeholder that give light to my love of the Revolution and every failure that breaks the heart of our fans is a dagger at my own heart and hurts my pride."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a dejected Kraft reviews the 2014 final while photoshopping a new Revolution logo and calling about how the new stadium permitting is going in downtown Boston.

Soccer Fan's Relentless Criticism Of Super Bowl Finally Converts Friends To Loving Soccer

NEW YORK - Harold Leipgott's relentless criticism of the Super Bowl finally converted his football friends to soccer fans as the years of telling everyone the Super Bowl isn't that big internationally took hold.

SEE..... SEEEEEEEEEEE?!!!!?!!?!?!?!?! THIS IS NOT AN OVERT ACT OF INSECURITY. NOT AT ALL.

Source: http://www.carbonated.tv/sports/super-bowl-audience-infographics

"After seeing the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history and the first overtime in Super Bowl history, I realized that it's so boring," stated friend James Murtaw. "Only 16.2 minutes of actual ball play? Boring. Low energy sport. Harold was right, all these years."

"Harold always posted that graph showing how no one cares about the game internationally, but it took til this year for me to finally realize that I'm all about soccer," stated ex-girlfriend Deandra Blevens. "I've now decided, solely based on Harold's intransigent efforts, that it's all soccer from here on in.... or at least until week 2 of the NFL season."

Leipgott's efforts weren't constrained just to his immediate social circle as his ability to put the game down at work resulted in conversions there, as well.

"As I watched Julian Edelman make that catch where his amazing athleticism and concentration fused together to give us a glimpse of what someone who has trained their whole life to do something does when they are up against tremendous odds, the scales fell from my eyes and I realized how boring it all was and that I'd much rather be watching the Houston Dynamo try to connect passes together in 99 degree heat," stated co-worker Daniel Steres. 

"Oh, Brady has his fifth Super Bowl win? Has he ever won Ballon d'Or? No? Has he won it six times in a row? No? Then I have no interest in him until he's at Messi's level," stated Leipgott's manager Carlotta Garibaldi. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on the efforts of Harold Leipgott as he attempts to successfully e-vite these new soccer fans to a UEFA European Final watch party at his house.

NYCFC Utility Midfielder Frank Lampard Retires From Two Year Career

NEW YORK - Spurning offers from multiple USL clubs, utility midfielder Frank Lampard announced his retirement from his short two year career playing for New York City FC in Major League Soccer (MLS).

Frank Lapmard

Lampard's short stay with NYCFC was full of up and downs as the midfielder made 31 appearances scoring 15 goals for the fledgling franchise. 

The journeyman player was selected for the 2015 MLS All-Star game in a controversial appearance and one NYCFC player of the month. He was also inducted into the Ride Of Fame alongside other NYCFC players Andrea Pirlo and David Villa.

Area man inducts NYCFC Designated Players David Villa (l.) and Andrea Pirlo (r.)  into the Ride of Fame Tuesday (D DIPASUPIL/GETTY IMAGES FOR RIDE OF FAME)

Fans state that while they will miss Lampard's goal scoring form found at the end of 2016, that they aren't fully certain why the fledgling midfielder would cut his career short after only two years.. Sources were able to confirm that Lampard is looking at picking up his career in Tax Accounting at a firm in Tampa Florida.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we wish Frank Lampard the best of wishes on his way through relearning about a midsized business that is a Subchapter S corporation, a limited liability company treated as a flow-through entity, or a partnership, and are referred to as the U.S. business. S corporation shareholders, individual/noncorporate LLC members, or individual/noncorporate partners are referred to as U.S. taxpayers.

Slang Report: "Kevin Nagle" New Slang For Asshole, In Sacramento

Sacramento, CA - Reports from the capitol of California indicate that soccer fans in the area are using new slang to describe someone who is an imbecilic asshole as "Kevin Nagle" or "a Nagle" gains steam in the area.

The Nutmeg News spoke to linguistic professor Barbara Brown at California State University, Sacramento about the influx of new slang to the area.

"Soccer fans are notorious for cribbing language from other locations and countries but in this case they are developing a new slang of their own," stated Brown to our reporters. "In this case, Sacramento Republic fans, overnight, started re-framing the language they use to indicate that someone is a dickish, churlish, insensitive, or imbecilic person by calling that person a Nagle"

Brown gave the example of a Republic fan stating, "Don't be a Nagle, man" when at one point he would have stated, "Don't be an asshole."

"Language is always in flux, but I remain fascinated that we can transpose items like Kevin Nagle to mean asshole, in a matter of a few moments based on circumstances," stated Brown.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people realize there are a lot of Nagle's on Twitter talking about the Sacramento to MLS deal.

 

USL Player Instagram Account Just 2000 Pictures Of Cats

Cincinnati, OH - Thinking he was getting a behind the scenes look into the life of a soccer player, Quincy Flitter admitted that he followed FC Cincinnati player Victor Donaldi on Instagram only to find out that his Instagram feed is just 2000 pictures of cats in different poses.

"Whoooooo is a cute boy?!"

"I just don't know what I expected," stated Flitter to The Nutmeg News. "I had this general idea that his account would be something like a turned down version of Pogba, or his favorite restaurants, or his life behind the scenes. It's just pictures of cats. Seriously. Just look at it. It's freaking pictures of cats."

Flitter stated that he didn't necessarily need any kind of debauchery, but even some pictures of Donaldi out in Cincinnati would be nice.

"It's definitely his account. It has his bio, a picture of him in his kit taking on a player from a game last season. He even links his Instagram account from his official Facebook page. However, the content is just pictures of cats. I'm still stunned. Does he have all these cats at his house? Is he just a cat picture connoisseur? I'm a little freaked out by this, to be honest."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Flitter obsessivley follows all the developments on Donaldi's account for the time when he actually posts a picture of himself at home, with his cat.

 

Soccer Fan Needles Establishment With Carefully Selected Patch/Pin/Scarf Combination

Detroit, MI - Soccer fan Ken Hamlin carefully selected a daring patch/pin/scarf combination that would be certain to needle the establishment as he prepared for his day at The Social Club Grooming Company by Wayne State University.

Seriously though, Have you punched a nazi today?

"I've carefully selected my combination today to give a maximum amount of subtle middle fingers to the establishment via my capitalistic acquisition of swag," stated Hamlin to The Nutmeg News. 

"My scarf is for my hometown, representing City, the only club, with a pointed message towards the Republican kleptocracy with the statement, 'your club sucks'. This is combined with my Gengen Rechts patch that I bought from the FC St. Pauli Club online store. In this manner, everyone knows that we must smash fascism and racism. I've tied this all together with two different pins/buttons that I purchased online. One is a fleur de lis button that reminds people of only one of Detroit's multicultural settlers while I'm also wearing a NoDAPL pin to balance out the hegemony of French fur trappers."

According to Hamlin, this allows him to continually protest the insanity that seems to surround him at all times while also indicating, subtly, to fellow fans that he is an ally.

"If you have a City scarf on, people know that you are a friend of theirs or a foe of theirs. And here, in this day and age... we all need as many friends as we can get."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hamlin uses this excuse to buy a refugees welcome scarf from every club he can find that sells one.

STYLE GUIDE:

Scarf - http://store.noonelikes.us/product/your-club-sucks/

Patch - https://www.rocknshop.de/de/pau0311ws/fc-st.-pauli-gegen-rechts-patch-weiss

Pin - 
https://www.amazon.com/Fleur-Lis-Metal-Pin-Badge/dp/B00W1ZOVQ6/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1485883976&sr=8-5&keywords=fleur+de+lis+pin
&
https://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/B01MT0SYNK/ref=dp_olp_0?ie=UTF8&condition=all

"No Politics, Bro," States USMNT Fan In Flag Cape

San Diego, CA - While attending the recent Serbia v United States friendly, USMNT fan Derrick Smith stated, "no politics, bro," while wearing a flag cape and a Back To Back World War Champ t-shirt.

MERICA! NATIONALISM! FUCK EVERYBODY ELSE! NO POLITICS, BRO!

The Nutmeg News spoke with Mr. Smith after the game was over on his opinion. 

"No politics, bro. No politics. Like, you know... bros want to make sure we keep MERICA and those boys sharp! We can't have anyone in the stands protesting, or talking bout politics. Let's just keep rocking these Stars and Bars of red white and blue." 

After a tense weekend with national protests aimed against a perverted executive order by President Trump, Smith was reportedly ready to kick back, drink some brews and watch some live soccer with his friends.

"Yeah, we are here for the party! The tailgate, bro! I saw a guy making protest banners and I was like, 'why, bro?' We live in the greatest country in the world. Don't bring me down. We don't need no refugees on the field. We just need merica. So yeah, no politics. Go MERICA! GO MERICA! Love it or leave it, assholes! Let's bomb Serbia back to the stone ages with our freedom and our goals. Hell yeah! You believe in Jesus, bro?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Smith angrily tweets about people without jobs making his commute difficult.

Upbeat Chicago Fire Fan Now Has More Hope For Team Than Country

CHICAGO - Long suffering Chicago Fire fan Pedro Guzman admitted that he now has more hope for the future of the Chicago Fire than he has for the United States.

Welcome Dax! Goodbye freedoms!

"Things really changed around the election," stated Guzman to The Nutmeg News. "It was around that time when the Fire acquired Dax McCarty and the United States elected a fascist, racist, xenophobic, misogynist, and possibly insane President. It was at this point that I realized I actually believed more in the Fire's 2017 chances than the United States."

Guzman stated that the collapse of his government and the social order of the United States into relentless sniping and political chaos gave him a positive outlook on the 2017 season as he stated, "There's no way that the Fire will be worse in 2017 than the United States. The front office only spent like 400k on Dax McCarty. The US government is trying to spend 15 Billion dollars on a wall. Shit, they coulda got Sean Johnson for less than that."

While traditionally pessimistic about the Fire, Guzman admits that the downward trend of the nation robbed him of his cynical nature towards sports.

"Don't get it confused. The United States is completely and utterly fucked. We are talking about a country that is still bitterly licking wounds from a conflict fought 152 years ago over slave holding white men. There's no way we recover from anything that happened recently and we are only at the beginning. Half the country hates the people that are my ancient heritage for roughly no reason other than they are completely saturated with fear and ignorance. To be honest, I'm pretty used to that. Mexican-American people and their families remain one of the traditional boogeymen of racist people in the United States since the time of Antonio López de Santa Anna. By comparison, the Fire are looking pretty decent in the midfield, for the first time in the longest time I can remember."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Guzman even considers attending a game with Sector Latino this season.

Populace Stunned As Freddy Adu Still Younger Than You Remember

With the recent pop up of the next Pele and soon to be superstar Freddy Adu, soccer fans across the United States and Canada looked him up again to see what the global phenom has been up to only to be surprised by his age.

The glory days. Or something resembling them. 

Doug Pensinger/Getty Images

"It's a cycle we see every couple of years," stated Southern Methodist University fellow and professor of Adu studies Derrick Smuthers.

"When Adu's name comes up, the first thing that many fans do is google his name and go to his Wikipedia page. They are then shocked at his age. They are then shocked at how many teams he has played for and it is at this point that they try to figure out what he has been doing the last year or two."

Wikipedia reports that when rumors surfaced of Adu trialing with the Portland Timbers that clicks on his page were up 1000%

Carla Sago of University Park, Dallas, TX was shocked to find that Freddy Adu is still only 27 years old as she expected him to be, "something like.. um.. 40 ... or something"

Sago even went so far as to post an update on her relatively unused twitter account stating, "Freddy Adu is only 27?" which in turn sent hundreds of followers scrambling to Wikipedia to verify that this was, in fact, true.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when this happens again in two years as Adu becomes a trialist for a team in Cuba.

 

Rec League Roundup: 39 Year Old Soccer Expert Sitting Out Season To Join Over 40 Team

Altamonte Springs, FL - 39 year old Mike Keating faced a tough decision this year regarding his participation in the Central Florida Soccer League (CFSL). Being 39 he found himself facing being the oldest on the CFFC Spartans Over-30s, but just a bit too young to join the EZ Soccer Club Over-40s.

Get in there and tackle, you lazy GIT!

Credit: Mikal Schlosser

“It’s not that I have a hard time playing the game, I love playing soccer. The problem is that I have a hard time playing the game with people who don’t know how to stay in formation. Older guys rely less on their physicality and more on their experience and tactical knowledge like the older members down at my Kendo Dojo.”

League rules state that players have to be 40 years old entering the season in order to join the Over-40 league. Keating, who turns 40 in July continued, “July is going to be right in the middle of the season so if I want to play I’ll have to continue on the same team as before and that’s not the kind of high-minded soccer I want to play.  I’ve decided that I’m going to take the year off and really spend a lot of time studying tactics and formations by watching soccer matches from multiple leagues every week.”

We talked to one of Keating’s teammates from the Spartans Over-30 team. “Mike talks about how much he loves to play but he can’t keep up with most players. I don’t think he does any jogging or exercise when it’s not game day and he doesn’t even show up to our weekly practices.  All he really does during the game is yell about how we aren’t in formation and it’s letting the opposing team get around him.”

Keating told us that he’s really looking forward to joining the over-40’s league next year. “It’s going to be great. I’m going to go in there and be playing guys a lot older than myself which, assuming my team knows how to stay in formation, will allow me to maneuver around them and really run up some goals. This could be my best year of soccer since the U-15 league I was on as a kid. It’s going to be like if Messi joined MLS.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this next year as Keating finds himself gassed after 5 minutes of playing and finds himself searching if the league does refunds.

2018 MLS All Star Game To Be Played In Moscow

NEW YORK - The commissioner of Major League Soccer today announced that due to a landmark financial and blackmail agreement between Russia and the United States that the 2018 MLS All Star Game would be played in Moscow between the MLS All Stars and the Soviet Football Team at the Central Lenin Stadium.

Hey look, It's a young Donald Trump!

"We have many great teams for your teams to play against. We will have a great time," stated leading scorer for the Soviets, Oleg Blokhin. "Your puny capitalists will be crushed under the heel of our Red Army. Our Putin will reign over your Putin. Our bear will be stronger than your bear. Our Vodka will be stronger than your Vodka. Our Drago will be stronger than your Rocky!"

Reportedly, in preparation for the game, Graham Zusi has taken to the mountains to begin a monastic retreat in order to get stronger, faster and allow him to kick a soccer ball through a net from over the half way line.

"I'm running mountains. I'm chopping wood. I'm not going to let the russkies beat us," stated Zusi to The Nutmeg News.

"President Trump said that the fate of the nation depends on us winning this soccer game and he is really... really.... REALLY PISSED. I don't doubt that is the case. I'm just going to abandon the rest of the 2017 MLS season in order to run in the mountains and evade limo driven KGB chase squads."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Moscow crowd turns on Putin, Blokhin and the Soviets in order to chant Zusi's name.

 

Statue Of Liberty Poem Modified To Tell New Arrivals To Fuck Off

NEW YORK - The Statue Of Liberty poem, The New Colossus, was modified to tell new arrivals to fuck off as President Trump announced his new policies for United States immigration.

GO TO HELL, YOU HEATHENS!......... unless you can play sports ... like TOTALLY good, then come in... unless you play soccer... in which case... fuck back off again.

The New Colossus contained the stanza "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free," which was changed to the alternative poetry of, "Fuck off" due to Presidential mandate.

White House press secretary Sean Spicer stated, "We are a welcoming country, but soccer players, refugees, and people that don't look like me can fuck off. We don't need more people escaping warlords and chaos stricken cities that United States policies likely created making their way to our shore."

Refugee and immigrant groups condemned the change but individuals looking to settle long term in the United States were reticent to give their opinion on the matter as many recent refugees to the United States withdrew from activities that would identify them publicly for fear of reprisals.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after our reporters finish downloading updates to secure their phones and devices.

 

Blogger Still Thinks Anyone Actually Cares About Sports

Salt Lake City, UT - As a third of the United States recoiled from the application of a Trump presidency while another third cheered for any kind of pain inflicted on the first group, Soccer Blogger Carl Bartow admitted that he still thinks everyone actually cares about sports.

"Why aren't you people happy! We have a great team, a great town, and I don't have any ability to feel empathy or concern about the world!"

"I'm putting together a depth chart for Real Salt Lake, a prospectus for the Monarchs, a think piece about Landon Donovan's potential impact in the midfield, and an in depth review of Cassar's tactics," stated Bartow to The Nutmeg News. "I know that my friends and family are concerned about their well being, health, the future of their country and the safety of their friends and family; but they are all going to love my analytics infused break down of the current central defenders in Major League Soccer."

Bartow stated that he is relatively apolitical and didn't vote in the last election. 

"I was just too busy. It was more important for me to really focus on myself and get right with tactics as we go into a new era. Are we seeing more coaches moving to a 3 man back line in the league? How does the influx of players from other countries  dictate relationships between coaches and their players? Are Muslim refugees trying to destroy my way of life by being kind to their neighbors and opening mosques? PROBABLY! Everyone wants to know more about soccer tactics! I'm just going to stay relentlessly positive, all the time, and continue to ensure that I act like everything is fine all the time! The world is great as is the greatest country in the world, USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA. Also, soccer, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bartow continuous his laborious slog to ignore everything around him.

APB Issued For Ali Curtis Whereabouts

NEW YORK - An all points bulletin (APB) was issued for the whereabouts of Ali Curtis after another player deal was made by the New York Red Bulls without any information from the infamous sporting director.

"This is actually part of the advanced plan on page 553."

Concerned fans have asked about the location of Mr. Curtis after rumors surfaced that the sporting director was to be let go. However, the front office of the New York Red Bulls indicated that there was no change within the organization.

With the signing of Rafael Diaz, this afternoon, fans have still yet to see a proof of life from Mr. Curtis. After waiting the requisite amount of time suggested by a recent Law and Order episode, a missing persons report was filed by RBNY fan Jimmy Plaschette of Teaneck, NJ.

"I called in a missing persons report.... what of it?" stated Mr. Plaschette to our reporter on Tuesday. "We don't know where Curtis is. The organization won't release his location. Maybe he is in Stuttgart. Maybe he is in Lybia. MAYBE.... he is in Sacramento. We demand to know that Curtis is alive. BLINK ONCE TO SAY YOU ARE OK, ALI!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the conspiracy escalates.

 

Washington Spirit Announce That 2017 Kits Will Be Devoid Of Names And Numbers

WASHINGTON - The Washington Spirit, today, announced that their 2017 kits will be devoid of any names or numbers to reflect the utter meaningless nature of life and the lack of players left on their roster as they enter the new National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) season.

Kits will be empty of meaning, like this offseason.

"Stare into the meaningless yawning abyss of death and our empty roster as we prepare for the season,"  states the Washington Spirit press release.

"Competition is a meaningless void and roster space is just a construct invented by the bored to busy our lives as we slowly grow old and die. We will cleanse our roster of impurities and find salvation in the meaningless empty shell of a season that beguiles us with her ever scintillating salvation of empty blank nothingness."

Insider sources with the Spirit state that after the team traded Diana Matheson to the Seattle Reign, they released an internal memo stating, "New kits will be empty. With no numbers or names. What does it even matter when nothing will remain after we are gone. Our roster is like your life. empty. You are all worthless here. Please ensure to donate $10 to Ruth to cover the costs of a cake for Jerrod Stevenson's birthday on Friday."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the Spirit's 2017 season when the team starts pre-season training to the piped in sounds of Lee Greenwood singing "God Bless The USA" and "Pictures of You" by The Cure.

 

MLS Targeting San Diego for Expansion in New Mission Valley Stadium, Period.

WASHINGTON - San Diego business developer Albert Billionaire was reportedly positive that Don Garber, Sunil Gulati and President Donald Trump would allow Major League Soccer expansion in San Diego according to current White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer.

"We are absolutely certain that we will have a new MLS team in San Diego, very soon. Possibly tomorrow," stated Spicer as he addressed the White House press. "We are happy with Albert stepping up to finance the team and the city will be happy having A. Billionaire stepping in to save their sports scene. If there's one thing that A. Billionare can do it is improve civic life by ensuring that the populace have stadiums and sports teams. There's nothing that A. Billionaire can't do."

According to Spicer, he expects the San Diego MLS team to start playing at the start of the 2017 season with the stadium ready to be built, tomorrow.

"At no point will A. Billionaire let us down. He will get this stadium built, and he will make San Diego pay for it at some point. MLS San Diego 2017! THIS IS HAPPENING!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the groundbreaking for the stadium is delayed til 2024.

Man Who Rants Online About Model Building And Wrestling Tired Of Soccer Journalists Talking Politics

Des Moines, IA - From a darkened room in the Willow Park Apartments off Chaffee road, Harold Normandale struck back at the opportunists and know-nothings in the soccer media as he resolutely told off each one stating, "I didn't follow you for politics."

You could always UNFOLLOW them. 

Normandale's twitter handle is @MasterOfDestiny44 and he spends most of his time, so far, aggressively tweeting about Warhammer 4k models, American wrestling, and soccer. His 5 followers and 31 spambots were able to confirm that the Iowa native is extraordinarily upset by all these, "soccer writers stepping out of their lane and talking politics." 

The Nutmeg News spoke to Normandale as he spent his Sunday evening complaining about NFL football on his television without changing the channel.

"I didn't perform the action of following these men and women so they could give me their actual opinion on things. I followed them for their writings on soccer. If I wanted their opinion I would have asked for their opinions, but I didn't ask for their opinions. I just simply followed them online. As everyone in the United States knows, there is absolutely nothing political about sports at all. That's why Jesse Owens was such a punk."

Normandale continued his rant while he slurped down Mountain Dew from a big gulp container, "When you look at Barcelona and Real Madrid, do you think politics? No. When you look at Don Garber or Sunil Gulati, do you think politics? No. They are just soccer, and we don't need someone's opinions from Sports Illustrated talking about the minimum wage, or women's rights. God, the women. This is just like the NWSL all over again. Their players are why I have a reddit account, so I can just go online and tell everyone how it is with those spoiled brats."

Normandale then launched into a 10 minute tirade about the NFL on his television screen, how he didn't want to watch this game and how Tom Brady was a down home kinda guy.... you know... a guy with whom you could have a beer.

When asked why he didn't simply change the channel, Normandale stated, "Screw that! I'm not about to change my habits for them. I stay on CBS  to watch the re-runs of the X-Files at 11:00 pm and I'm not about to stop waiting for that just because the NFL is on my screen. But that also means I'm going to write another strongly worded letter to my local affiliate about this garbage they are putting on before MY television show."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Normandale starts to actively seek out journalists and reporters that he doesn't follow just so he can let them know that any personal or political items are not welcome from them.

Geoff Cameron Celebrates Trump Inauguration By Telling Off Dual-Nationals

Stoke-on-Trent, UK - United States international and part time Stoke City practice dummy, Geoff Cameron, reportedly spent his Friday celebrating the Donald Trump inauguration by telling off dual-nationals as he rampaged through the Scotia Road Asda in a gleeful trance while shouting abuse to anyone he could find.

"I'm going to make England great again, and part of that philosophy is pulling up the drawbridge after I got here," stated Cameron to his blog www.killaryandklinsmannforprison.com

"I am going to work with MP Nigel Farage to help him, in conjunction with the Trump administration, build a wall to keep Wales and Scotland out. For that matter, we should work on keeping Portugal and the Netherlands out as well. We need to prevent people like Martins Indi and Marc Muniesa from taking my job. We will ensure that the Welsh pay for these walls.  We will ensure that the Scots pay for these walls. Hell, we will even make the Irish pay for these walls. They will do this. English teams for English players... and me. We don't need any Dutch players. We don't need any Portuguese players, we just need American players and English players as long as they aren't better than me."

Cameron, as well, reportedly stated that he still has a beef with the United States national team as insider sources indicate that he is still upset by, as he stated, "Illegals taking my job."

"It's time for the USMNT to be great again under Bruce Arena," ranted Cameron to his Facebook page. "It's time for those Moslems, Germans and Mexicans trying to take our defending jobs to be let go from the team.

FIRST: John Brooks and Benghazi. Have you ever heard him talk about it? I DON'T THINK SO!

If you look at the depth chart at centerback it's very clear that we are suffering from a lack of patriotism at that position. Likely some of these players are illegals and they hate the flag.  Players like them are taking my position and that's not what we stand for in MY America. It's high time that this country got back to helping Me and Me alone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cameron searches out ways to prevent more center backs and fullbacks from being acquired by Stoke City.